ERBWORLD EDITION
CONTENTS

Top Ten Lists

TV Review
Tarzan: The Epic Adventures Episode

"TARZAN: THE EPIC ADVENTURES" An Episode Guide by Elmo
Everything you need to know about the new Tarzan series.

ARE YOU THE APE MAN? by David Adams
ERB Inc. messes with the wrong guy using the name Apeman.

The Grinning Elmo Awards

Cartoon and Art Gallery

Elmo's ERB Picks
The Land That Time Forgot and The Resurrection of Jimber Jaw

 

TOP TEN LISTS

How does Tarzan rate with the Barsoomian sword slasher?
By David Adams

1. Tarzan lives in a jungle with no bugs. 
Johnny lives on a desert planet with no water.

2. Zantar pays no income tax on all his jewels and gold.
Big John is always fighting for his empire.

3. Tarzan got more press coverage from ERB.
Carter had to scrounge for a place after the trilogy.

4. Tarzan was always fighting off the babes.
Dejah laid eggs.

5. Tarzan's kid went away to live with an ape.
John's kid was panting behind the throne.

6. Tarzan didn't wear a wristwatch.
Carter had to attend formal occasions.

7. Tarzan's meals were on the hoof.
Carter had to eat cheese and acidic milk made from a large plant.

8. Tarzan spoke 24 languages and dialects.
Carter had to go around talking like a 19th Century stiff.

9. Tarzan rode around on Tantor.
Carter had to ride those damned thoats.

10. Tarzan brought home the bacon for Burroughs.
Carter was just an old, sentimental buddy who drank his wine.

[Note from Elmo: I think Carter comes out on top on that last one....]

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Top Ten Reasons Why Carson Napier Would Kick David Innes Butt
By William George Ferguson
10. Two words. Astral Projection

9. Carson's too smart to fall for that 'inside of a bowl' nonsense

8. Ray guns are cooler than six-guns

7. Aiming for Mars and hitting Venus beats wanting to burrow down a few feet, and going to the Earth's Core.

6. David had to have a wacky scientist friend, Carson Was the wacky scientist

5. Ask yourself which is cooler, Anotar or Mole?

4. 'David' is so plebian, 'Carson' has that aristocratic ring

3. You're rich, where would you hang out, New England or Baja California?

2. Being red-blooded American sailors captured by Germans, beats being a whip-weilding artificial man (oops, wrong list)

1. Ulysses Paxton would whip both their asses.

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Top Ten Reasons Caspak is Better than Pellucidar
By Elmo

10. Weiroos are spookier than Mahars.

9. Never have to worry about taking a nap and waking up to discover that the wife and kids have grown old and died.

8. Hijacking a u-boat to get there is easier than inventing an iron mole or building a dirigible.

7. Marriage laws are more flexible.

6. No bible-quoting inventors who swear like pirates.

5. Tarzan probably wouldn't get lost.

4. Doug McClure sucked in both movies, but he sucked worse in "At the Earth's Core." And "The Land That Time Forgot" gets bonus points for not having Peter Cushing in it.

3. Von Shoenvorts is more sly than Hooja. And uglier than Jubal.

2. "Dian the Beautiful." Talk about vain!

1. Two words: "Fort Dinosaur."

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Top Ten Reasons John Carter is Better than Tarzan
By Elmo

10. Woola would eat Jad-bal-ja for lunch and use Nkima as an after-dinner mint.

9. John Carter's sword is bigger than Tarzan's hunting knife.

8. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

7. Never had dozens of really bad movies made about him.

6.When John Carter's son was 10, he helped the old man lead a slave revolt against the evil goddess of Life and Death. When Tarzan's son was 10, he ran away from home with an old ape.

5. John Carter arrived naked on another planet, and rose to become Warlord of all Barsoom. After all these years, Tarzan still pretty much just runs around naked.

4. When John Carter's wife is lost, her father launches 10,000 battle ships and starts massive wars. When Tarzan's wife is lost, her father wanders around the jungle saying "Tut-tut."

3. John Carter's best friend is a 15-foot green guy with four arms, tusks, and a big honking sword. Tarzan's best friend is a Frenchman.

2. Tarzan had to take pills to become immortal. John Carter was just born that way.

1. Four words: The incomparable Dejah Thoris.

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David "Nkima" Adams responds to...
The Top Ten Reasons John Carter is Better than Tarzan

10.) Woola would eat Jad-bal-ja for lunch and use Nkima as an after-dinner mint.
(This is more proof that everyone is trying to eat little Nkima.) Woola just is a dog with too many legs.

9.) John Carter's sword is bigger than Tarzan's hunting knife.
Who did the measurements?

8.) Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is that Tiggers are wonderful things.
Their tops are made out of rubber,
Their bottoms are made out of springs.

7.) Never had dozens of really bad movies made about him.
Carter does not have his Elmo.

6.) When John Carter's son was 10, he helped the old man lead a slave revolt against the evil goddess of Life and Death. When Tarzan's son was 10, he ran away from home with an old ape.
Old apes find the best grubs.

5.) John Carter arrived naked on another planet, and rose to become Warlord of all Barsoom. Tarzan still pretty much just runs around naked.
Running around naked is always preferable to being a warlord, in fact, it's almost preferrable to doing anything else.

4.) When John Carter's wife is lost, her father launches 10,000 battle ships and starts massive wars. When Tarzan's wife is lost, her father wanders around the jungle saying "Tut-tut."
You can choose your wife, but ya can't pick your in-laws.

3.) John Carter's best friend is a 15-foot green guy with four arms, tusks, and a big honking sword. Tarzan's best friend is a Frenchman.
Tarzan's real friends (the jungle beasties) don't talk very much. And they all run around naked.

2.) Tarzan had to take pills to become immortal. John Carter was just born that way.
Tarzan won't have to live forever on a planet with deformed creatures who wear jeweled harnesses and try to stab you in the back.

1.) Four words: The incomparable Dejah Thoris.
Tarzan can visit La anytime he needs more . . . gold.
 
 

 
"Tarzan and the Priestess of Opar" ~ Tarzan: The Epic Adventures Series
By Dennis Kerner

This was probably the best episode of "Tarzan: The Epic Adventures." When I first saw the episode, I kept thinking: "They tried. They really tried. But they missed." What amazes me about this script is that it is so good. If someone had shown this to me before TEA went on the air and said, "Here's a sample of what they're going to do with Tarzan," I'd have been blown away. There are rough spots. Aren't there in anything? But the script writer obviously knows Tarzan. I even like Themba when I read him in this script. (Unlike some ERB fans, I thought the concept for Themba was a great one: An African who prefers Europe, teamed with the European Tarzan, who prefers Africa. What potential that premise had!) What it comes down to is this: When I read this script, my own Tarzan is speaking the lines, and doing the fighting -- the one who grew up with me when I discovered ERB. My own La is reacting to Tarzan as I read this script. Let me know if your experience is similar. 
.

 

Elmo's Episode Guide to 
"Tarzan: The Epic Adventures."

     Tarzan returns to the cabin of his parents, only to discover that a group of circus freaks who had been shipwrecked on their way to a performance in London is now living there. The bearded lady turns out not to be Jane after all. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

     In a touching holiday episode, Themba learns the true meaning of Christmas by helping Santa Claus deliver toys to African villages. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

     A blind man with one foot and no arms surprises Tarzan and takes him prisoner. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

     Space aliens land in the jungle. They all look like Tarzan, which causes many humorous cases of mistaken identity. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

     Using "Forrest Gump" type special effects to make the episode, Tarzan comes across Johnny Weissmuller and and a Hollywood film crew making "Tarzan Triumphs." After a tense opening scene, where it looks like hostilities will break out, Weissmuller and Joe Lara say "Now Tarzan make war!" at the same time, which causes a smile and everyone becomes friends. Meanwhile, the ape man finds a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals.

     When Themba is captured by a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals, the ape-man enlists the aid of a lost tribe that can morph into jungle animals to rescue him.

     In a two-part episode, the first part of which is a season-ending cliffhanger, Tarzan learns the secret of morhping into jungle animals.

END

 
Editor's note: This is a commentary in story form about Edgar Rice Burrough Inc.'s policy regarding fan fiction that uses the trademark "Apeman." Call it satire. Call it parody. Jeff Long.

ARE YOU APEMAN?
By David Adams

One afternoon in early October as Lord Greystoke was trying for at least the tenth time to get past the first page of Finnegan’s Wake, a helicopter appeared over the leafy branches of the forest that surrounded his African estate. The Lord of the Jungle quietly placed his half-eaten banana on the table and walked out to the noisy machine that was whipping up great clouds of dust from the ground.

The door of the helicopter opened and out stepped three men dressed in black each of whom carried a black briefcase. 

“Are you Lord Greystoke?” asked one of the dark strangers.

“That depends on who is asking,” replied the Lord.

“Don’t get funny with us, Lord,” said a beefy-looking thug, “we’re from ERB, Inc.”

“So?” replied the Lord with a slight smile.

“We’ve heard that you are using the name, ‘Apeman’ now and then; is that correct?” said the third man, trying to look threatening as he could behind sunglasses that hid his squinty eyes.

“I AM Apeman,” replied Lord Greystoke.

“Well, boys, that’s it,” said the first man. “Come along with us. You’re in big trouble now.”

Lord Greystoke lifted the two of the three men dressed in black, one in either hand, and tossed them like bags of horse feathers into the helicopter.

“Hey, you can’t do that,” the remaining man said with a discenable quiver to his voice.

The ape-man did not reply, but tossed the third faceless mug into the helicopter and slammed the door.

“We’ll be back,” the strangers shouted in chorus as they left the ground.

Apeman walked back to the veranda and began sharpening the blade of his father’s hunting knife.

 E-mail comments to Nkima 

The coveted Grinning Elmo Lincoln Awards were carefully considered during the AMC Tarzan Marathon weekend. Awards were given only to movies shown in the AMC marathon. (Left out, for example, was the award for Best Leak on an Ape's Head, which would have been won by "Greystoke." Bo Derek would also have gotten serious consideration for the Best Jane Costume.) Tarzan movie expert Matt Winans contributed to this list. Feel free to submit more awards of your own.