Erbzine.com Homepage
Official Edgar Rice Burroughs Tribute and Weekly Webzine Site
Since 1996 ~ Over 10,000 Web Pages in Archive
Volume 1615
A Long Time Ago From A Galaxy Far, Far Away . . . 

. . . . . Came . . .
Jeff "Elmo" Long's

BARSOOMIAN BLADE
   .

Jeff Long
ERBzine is proud to present a reprint
-- retrieved from the Web archives --
of
Volume 1 ~ Number 1
of this much-prized collector's publication.

Jeff Long's collection of 
news items from Barsoom
first appeared on the Web in
1998.

Submissions, comments, lunatic ravings
... are still welcome.
E-mail them to Elmo
elmo@panthanpress.com

.
Jeff Long's Barsoomian Blade & Panthan Press Features in ERBzine
Blade 1 | Blade 2 | Blade 3 | Blade 4 | Blade 5 | Blade Fiction 1 | Fiction 2 | Fiction 3 | Fiction 4
Princess of Jasoom | Princess 1 | Princess 2 | Princess 3 | Princess 4 | Princess 5 |

CONTENTS

STARRA KAN REPORT
John Carter accused of "improper relationship" with Uthia, a palace intern.

EXCLUSIVE!
Tawdry Tara caught in a sex romp with a Jasoomian janitor from her father's palace...

CONTRACT STALLED
No progress yet on contract talks between employers and Local 47 of the Guild of Assassins.

SPORTS BRIEFS
News from the world of Barsoomian sports

NEWS BRIEFS
Bad hair day for Djor Kantos, Tardos Mors investigated, and more...

CLASSIFIEDS
Blade advertisers sell everything from luxury cruises to Flying Death; and more...

..Last update: 12-26-98
Banned by the Jeddak of Helium
 


Starra Kan Report
John Carter accused of "improper relationship" with Uthia, a palace intern.

The content of the following materials are verbatim as forwarded by the Office of the Independent Counsel.

As required by Section 595(c) of Title 28 of the Empire of Helium Code, the Office of the Independent Counsel ("OIC" or "Office") hereby submits substantial and credible information that Warlord John Carter committed acts that may constitute grounds for an impeachment.

The information reveals that Warlord John Carter: lied under oath at a civil deposition while he was a defendant in a sexual harassment lawsuit; lied under oath to a Council of Jeddaks; attempted to influence the testimony of a potential witness who had direct knowledge of facts that would reveal the falsity of his deposition testimony; attempted to obstruct justice by facilitating a witness's plan to refuse to comply with a subpoena; attempted to obstruct justice by encouraging a witness to file an affidavit that the Warlord knew would be false, and then by making use of that false affidavit at his own deposition; lied to potential Council of Jeddaks witnesses, knowing that they would repeat those lies before the Council of Jeddaks; and engaged in a pattern of conduct that was inconsistent with his constitutional duty to faithfully execute the laws.

The evidence shows that these acts, and others, were part of a pattern that began as an effort to prevent the disclosure of information about the Warlord's relationship with a former Palace intern and employee, Uthia, and continued as an effort to prevent the information from being disclosed in an ongoing criminal investigation.

Summary

In May 1994, Sanoma Tora filed a lawsuit against John Carter in the Empire of Helium District Court for the Eastern District of Zodanga. Ms. Sanoma Tora alleged that while he was a naked wanderer, Warlord John Carter sexually harassed her during an incident in a Zodangan hotel room.

Warlord John Carter denied the allegations. He also challenged the ability of a private litigant to pursue a lawsuit against a sitting Warlord. In May 1997, the Council of Jeddaks unanimously rejected the Warlord's legal argument. The Council concluded that Ms. Sanoma Tora, "Like every other citizen who properly invokes [the District Court's] jurisdiction . . . has a right to an orderly disposition of her claims," and that therefore Ms. Sanoma Tora was entitled to pursue her claims while the Warlord was in office.

A few months later, the pretrial discovery process began. One sharply disputed issue in the Sanoma Tora litigation was the extent to which the Warlord would be required to disclose information about sexual relationships he may have had with "other women."

Ms. Sanoma Tora's attorneys sought disclosure of this information, arguing that it was relevant to proving that the Warlord had propositioned Ms. Sanoma Tora. The Warlord resisted the discovery requests, arguing that evidence of relationships with other women (if any) was irrelevant.

In late 1997, the issue was presented to Empire of Helium District Judge Mors Kajak (John Carter's father-in-law) for resolution. Judge Mors Kajak's decision was unambiguous. For purposes of pretrial discovery, Warlord John Carter was required to provide certain information about his alleged relationships with other women.

In an order dated December 11, 1997, for example, Judge Mors Kajak said: "The Court finds, therefore, that the plaintiff is entitled to information regarding any individuals with whom the Warlord had sexual relations or proposed or sought to have sexual relations and who were during the relevant time frame province or empire employees."

Judge Mors Kajak left for another day the issue whether any information of this type would be admissible were the case to go to trial. But for purposes of answering the written questions served on the Warlord, and for purposes of answering questions at a deposition, the District Court ruled that the Warlord must respond.

In mid-December 1997, the Warlord answered one of the written discovery questions posed by Ms. Sanoma Tora on this issue. When asked to identify all women who were province or empire employees and with whom he had had "sexual relations" since 1986, the Warlord answered under oath: "None."

For purposes of this interrogatory, the term "sexual relations" was not defined.

On January 17, 1998, Warlord John Carter was questioned under oath about his relationships with other women in the workplace, this time at a deposition. Judge Mors Kajak presided over the deposition. The Warlord was asked numerous questions about his relationship with Uthia, by then a 24-year-old former Royal Palace intern, Royal Palace employee, and War Palace employee. Under oath and in the presence of Judge Mors Kajak, the Warlord denied that he had engaged in a "sexual affair," a "sexual relationship," or "sexual relations" with Ms. Uthia.

The Warlord also stated that he had no specific memory of having been alone with Ms. Uthia, that he remembered few details of any gifts they might have exchanged, and indicated that no one except his attorneys had kept him informed of Ms. Uthia's status as a potential witness in the Sanoma Tora case.

On January 12, 1998, this Office received information that Uthia was attempting to influence the testimony of one of the witnesses in the Sanoma Tora litigation, and that Ms. Uthia herself was prepared to provide false information under oath in that lawsuit. The OIC was also informed that Ms. Uthia had spoken to the Warlord and the Warlord's close friend Kantos Kan about being subpoenaed to testify in the Sanoma Tora suit, and that Kantos Kan and others were helping her find a job. The allegations with respect to Mr. Kantos Kan and the job search were similar to ones already under review in the ongoing White-Thern investigation.

After gathering preliminary evidence to test the information's reliability, the OIC presented the evidence to Attorney General Carthoris (John Carter's son) Based on his review of the information, the Attorney General determined that a further investigation by the Independent Counsel was required.

On the following day, Attorney General Carthoris petitioned the Special Division of the Empire of Helium Court of Appeals for the District of Greater Helium Circuit, on an expedited basis, to expand the jurisdiction of Independent Counsel Stara Kan. On January 16, 1998, in response to the Attorney General's request, the Special Division issued an order that provides in pertinent part:

The Independent Counsel shall have jurisdiction and authority to investigate to the maximum extent authorized by the Independent Counsel Reauthorization Act of 1994 whether Uthia or others suborned perjury, obstructed justice, intimidated witnesses, or otherwise violated empire law other than a Class B or C misdemeanor or infraction in dealing with witnesses, potential witnesses, attorneys, or others concerning the civil case Sanoma Tora v. John Carter.

On January 28, 1998, after the allegations about the Warlord's relationship with Ms. Uthia became public, the OIC filed a Motion for Limited Intervention and a Stay of Discovery in Sanoma Tora v. John Carter. The OIC argued that the civil discovery process should be halted because it was having a negative effect on the criminal investigation. The OIC represented to the Court that numerous individuals then under subpoena in Sanoma Tora, including Uthia, were integral to the OIC's investigation, and that courts routinely stayed discovery in such circumstances.

The next day Judge Mors Kajak responded to the OIC's motion. The Court ruled that discovery would be permitted to continue, except to the extent that it sought information about Uthia.

The Significance of the Evidence of Wrongdoing

It is not the role of this Office to determine whether the Warlord's actions warrant impeachment by the House of Laborers and removal by the Senate Elite; those judgments are, of course, constitutionally entrusted to the legislative branch.

This Office is authorized, rather, to conduct criminal investigations and to seek criminal prosecutions for matters within its jurisdiction. In carrying out its investigation, however, this Office also has a statutory duty to disclose to Congress information that "may constitute grounds for an impeachment," a task that inevitably requires judgment about the seriousness of the acts revealed by the evidence.

From the beginning, this phase of the OIC's investigation has been criticized as an improper inquiry into the Warlord's personal behavior; indeed, the Warlord himself suggested that specific inquiries into his conduct were part of an effort to "criminalize my private life."

The regrettable fact that the investigation has often required witnesses to discuss sensitive personal matters has fueled this perception. All Heliumites, including the Warlord, are entitled to enjoy a private family life, free from public or governmental scrutiny. But the privacy concerns raised in this case are subject to limits, three of which we briefly set forth here.

First. The first limit was imposed when the Warlord was sued in federal court for alleged sexual harassment. The evidence in such litigation is often personal. At times, that evidence is highly embarrassing for both plaintiff and defendant. As Judge Mors Kajak noted at the Warlord's January 1998 deposition, "I have never had a sexual harassment case where there was not some embarrassment."

Nevertheless, Congress and the Council of Jeddaks have concluded that embarrassment-related concerns must give way to the greater interest in allowing aggrieved parties to pursue their claims. Courts have long recognized the difficulties of proving sexual harassment in the workplace, inasmuch as improper or unlawful behavior often takes place in private. To excuse a party who lied or concealed evidence on the ground that the evidence covered only "personal" or "private" behavior would frustrate the goals that Congress and the courts have sought to achieve in enacting and interpreting the Empire's sexual harassment laws.

That is particularly true when the conduct that is being concealed -- sexual relations in the workplace between a high official and a young subordinate employee -- itself conflicts with those goals.

Second. The second limit was imposed when Judge Mors Kajak required disclosure of the precise information that is in part the subject of this Referral. A federal judge specifically ordered the Warlord, on more than one occasion, to provide the requested information about relationships with other women, including Uthia. The fact that Judge Mors Kajak later determined that the evidence would not be admissible at trial, and still later granted judgment in the Warlord's favor, does not change the Warlord's legal duty at the time he testified. Like every litigant, the Warlord was entitled to object to the discovery questions, and to seek guidance from the court if he thought those questions were improper. But having failed to convince the court that his objections were well founded, the Warlord was duty bound to testify truthfully and fully. Perjury and attempts to obstruct the gathering of evidence can never be an acceptable response to a court order, regardless of the eventual course or outcome of the litigation.

The Council of Jeddaks has spoken forcefully about perjury and other forms of obstruction of justice:

In this constitutional process of securing a witness' testimony, perjury simply has no place whatever. Perjured testimony is an obvious and flagrant affront to the basic concepts of judicial proceedings. Effective restraints against this type of egregious offense are therefore imperative.

The insidious effects of perjury occur whether the case is civil or criminal.

Third. The third limit is unique to the Warlord. "The Warlordship is more than an executive responsibility. It is the inspiring symbol of all that is highest in Barsoomian purpose and ideals."

When he took the Oath of Office in 1993 and again in 1997, Warlord Carter swore that he would "faithfully execute the Office of Warlord." As the head of the Royal Branch, the Warlord has the constitutional duty to "take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed."

The Warlord gave his testimony in the Sanoma Tora case under oath and in the presence of a empire judge, a member of a co-equal branch of government; he then testified before a empire grand jury, a body of citizens who had themselves taken an oath to seek the truth. In view of the enormous trust and responsibility attendant to his high Office, the Warlord has a manifest duty to ensure that his conduct at all times complies with the law of the land.

In sum, perjury and acts that obstruct justice by any citizen -- whether in a criminal case, a grand jury investigation, a congressional hearing, a civil trial, or civil discovery -- are profoundly serious matters. When such acts are committed by the Warlord of Barsoom, we believe those acts "may constitute grounds for an impeachment."

,
 
SEX ROMP IN FLIER TRIPS TAWDRY TARA
By Toolio Tabnuts
Barsoomian Blade Writer

HELIUM -- The Empire has been rocked by allegations that Princess Tara cavorted naked in a one-man flier with a palace janitor from Jasoom.
War is imminent, of course.

The shocking revelation came during the trial of Earthman Elmo Lincoln, who is accused of stealing panties from the female slave quarters in the Warlord's palace.

Lincoln, a commoner from a Jasoomian country called "New Jersey," testified from the Pedestal of Truth about multiple rendezvous with the Princess Tara.

"Everybody who comes to `dis planet gets to sleeps wit' da royal broads," said a grinning Lincoln. "It was my turn."

A palace spokesman dismissed Lincoln's claim as "an outrageous lie, an alibi to escape the theft charge.

"But he'll be excuted, anyway," the spokesman added.

The Barsoomian Blade obtained proof of the royal hanky-panky -- a picture of the pair after one of their escapades.

Tara's husband, Gahan of Gathol, was outraged when shown the photograph.

"This means war," Gahan declared. "We invade New Jersey tomorrow."

The Jeddak of Helium, Tardos Mors, vowed to investigate John Carter's hiring of a fellow Jasoomian.

"I thought I'd give the poor slob a job," John Carter said. "He just arrived here. Naked. And he can't even sak."
 

.
 
GUILD CONTRACT TALKS STALLED AS NEGOTIATOR HACKS OFF MEDIATOR'S HEAD
By Horta Brozat
Barsoomian Blade Writer

ZODANGA -- Contract talks between employers and Local 47 of the Assassins Guild broke down after a union negotiator chopped off the head of a mediator on Tuesday.
"The work stoppage will continue for as long as management treats the practitioners of our noble profession like calots," said union boss Ur Jan.

Ur Jan stomped away from the bargaining table and lobbed the head of mediator Hoffa Silvas into a rubbish bin. Silvas had been appointed to mediate the dispute when it became apparent a settlement wasn't forthcoming.

The 137,056 members of the Zodangan Guild of Assassins went on strike last month, demanding full health benefits, higher salaries and biggerbonuses for the disembowelment of victims.

"Disembowelments have always brought much higher bonuses than traditional decapitations or heart- thrusts," said Ur Jan. "The dry-cleaning bills alone cost a fortune."

Tyrants, despots, mad scientist and jilted suitors have grown increasingly impatient with the work stoppage. As the strike entered its 71st day, a coalition of would-be employers demanded action from the Warlord of Barsoom himself.

"This is intolerable," lamented Bulbous Farnham, a greasy nobleman who wants to have his wife's lover assassinated. "I never dreamed it would be so hard finding someone to hack off a guy's head."

John Carter's Zodanga office issued a statement that said everything possible is being done.

"We realize the importance of having fully trained assassins available for duty," the statement said.

Meanwhile, scabs trying to cross the Guild's picket line have had little success.

"I think I'll try to find work as a flier mechanic," said would-be scab Noodle Puff, walking away with a short-sword in his ear.
 

.
 

BARSOOM SPORTS BRIEFS

Bloody Barsoom Bowl

The Bloody Battle Axes of Warhoon on Saturday trounced the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame in the first-ever interplanetary college football game, the "Barsoom Bowl."

The score was 714 to 0.

"You ever try to pass through 15-foot tall defenders?" said a discouraged Notre Dame quarterback, Ron Powlus. "Plus, they kept decapitating my centers."

"'Fighting Irish?'" snorted Warhoon Coach Kab Kadja. "They wouldn't fight at all. Their guys kept running away from us. We killed them, of course."

Kab Kadja wasn't speaking figuratively, either. Warhoon killed half the Notre Dame squad before it was over.

Next year, a Jasoomian team is expected to do better, when the Barsoomian squad will likely be bogged down by Earth's greater gravity.

Several deaths are still anticipated, however.



Chessmen of Helium
The Helium Chieftains manhandled the over-matched U-Gor Cannibals today to claim their 51st straight jetan title. The Chieftains were again led by league MVP John Carter. The Warlord had eight kills, including four crowd-pleasing beheadings.

"It really saddens me to kill all those fine young men, but they know the risks," Carter said after the match.

"It was one of the top hundred matches I've seen," said longtime Jetan fan I-Gos, who has attended 837 straight title games.

Tul Axtar, player/coach of the cannibals, lost his head and so was unavailable for comment.

Contributed by Flem
 

 

BARSOOM BRIEFS
Around the world in 30 xats


Bad hair day
The "Retro" fashion craze received a stamp of appoval from Barsooms elite yesterday when Djor Kantos, son of Kantos Kan, appeared at Carthoris's palace sporting a new "Ancient Chieftains" headress. The headress, described by an insider as having "five golden prongs rising about one foot and tipped with rubies," caused quite a stir. Djor Kantos received a welcoming applause and many salutations for his new look. However, our insider told us "He looked like he had a bad hair day."
Contributed by Javier Gomez


Jeddak investigated
The Ministry of Free Trade has initiated an Anti-Trust investigation of Tardos Mors's business dealings involving his Forest and Lumber holdings. The investigation was prompted by repeated demands for justice by Tor Hatan, millionaire and Odwar in Heliums Navy. Tor Hatan claims that "Tardos Mors's sole ownership of all of the forests and lumber in Hellium comprises a monopoly, which is suffocating the economy and is anti-free trade."
A spokesman for the Jeddak stated "We feel that the Jeddak will be vindicated by the findings of this investigation." Earlier today, Carthoris, the prince of Helium, who is heading up the independent investigation, stated off-the-record that "Early indications show that there is no danger to free trade in the lumber industry, on the contrary anyone, who is on good terms with the Jeddak, is allowed lease some of the forest for a small fee."

Contributed by Javier Gomez


Moss blight continues
TORQUAS - The Torquasian Agricultural Department's annual report had bad news today. Moss blight has destroyed 42,000 square haads of grazing seabottomland. Thoat ranchers are furious that nothing has been done to stop the encroachment of moss blight.

"It's not like you can't see the damn thing," rancher Dun-Bint said.. "Pink and fuzzy, long ears, that horrible racket. I've whacked it a few times with my long sword but it keeps on going and going and going..."

Dun-Bint isn't the only rancher who has had problems. New comer I-Pized from U-Gor said, "It took out my pipe connection to the underground canal. It never slowed down."

A usually reliable governmental source, who chose to remain anonymous, revealed the Warlord's office is aware moss blight may, in fact, be of Jasoomian origin.

See related: Ras Thavas offers services

Contributed by Tangor


Leash law enacted
Lesser Helium - The city's chief official signed into law a new ordinance requiring calot owners to leash their pets in public areas. This comes after a series of incidents where six people have died and three have been permanently disabled because of unrestrained calot attacks.

Kantos Kan, Jedwar of the Heliumatic Navy speaking on behalf of a calot attack victim's estate, said at the signing "If John Carter had not made it fashionable to have calots for pets none of this might have happened. Calots are green martian pets. They have no business in red martian households."

When this The Blade reporter questioned the Jedwar's involvement with pit banth breeding and his recent loss of revenue to the burgeoning of illegal neighborhood calot fights, he declined to answer.

See: Warlord's vice squad bites animal fights

Contributed by Tangor


Lumber moratorium booed
KAOL - Jed Kulan Tith of Kaol met with the 31 Jeddaks to protest a recent Office of the Warlord moratorium on lumber production.

"Other than a few thousand tons of meat exports, sith hunting and mercenary training all Koal has is skeel and sompas woods," Kulan Tith told The Blade."To force shut downs to protect 'dwindling environmental resources' is preposterous. One might suggest the Gatholing mines cease operation because esite dust is killing the moss."

Carter's EPA administrator abruptly terminated an interview asking why Kaol had been singled out for forest preservation while lumber mills operate unchecked in Invak.

Contributed by Tangor


'Feud' becomes bloodbath
A spokesman for the Barsoomian version of "Family Feud" announced this morning that the much-anticipated gameshow has been put on hold after its disasterous debut yesterday.

The show in question was the vanguard of a series of Barsoomian efforts that have been copied from the highly successful Jasoomian gameshow industry.

However, plans turned sour when two contestants argued over who actually hit the buzzer first. The ensuing battle between the two families left three dead, four injured and two women kidnapped.

The show's spokesman stated that the popular "Barsoomian Gladiators" will be used to fill this time slot while Feud's future is being reviewed.

Contributed by Javier Gomez


Tickle-Me Elmo sales low
Sales of the 'Tickle-Me Elmo Lincoln' doll, brought back from Jasoom during a recent visit by the Warlord, have been extremely poor.

Investors have reported huge losses after they bought large quantities of the Elmo doll, expecting similar success to that experienced by Jasoomian distributors.

Company representatives are unable to explain the utter failure of this toy toy that gets a silly grin on his face and giggles when you tickle it.

"They should have test-marketed it first," said one 10-year-old boy. "I wouldn't be caught dead with an action figure that giggles. If they called it 'Stab-Me Elmo,' it might have sold."

The 'Ochre-Moss Patch Kids' sold poorly a few years ago, industry analysts point out.

"Jasoomian toys don't sell on Barsoom," said one observer.

Contributed by Flem "Dotar Sojat" Chapman


Rapas-Tora secretly wed
Rapas the Ulsio and Sanoma Tora shocked the world when they announced their secret marriage last week.

Rapas, previously thought to be the ugliest man on the planet, was overjoyed to land one of Barsoom's deathless beauties.

"Beauty is only skin deep," Sanoma Tora said. "It's the deep pockets of Rapas that I'm interested in. He's very rich from all those years working as one of the top agents of the Assassins Guild."

Told that Rapas is broke, the blushing bride yanked out the ulsio's whiskers.

Contributed by Flem


New "Dance of Barsoom"
Upon his return from a recent visit to Jasoom, the Warlord decreed a change in the ancient "Dance of Barsoom."

"It's called `The Macarena,' " John Carter told social reporters gathered for a fashion show at his Helium palace. "I think everyone should be pleased with the change."

Sources say, however, that Carter's own princess has been having trouble learning the new dance. Dejah Thoris is reportedly in a state of near-panic as the date for the annual "Atmosphere Festival" approaches.

"Earth people are insane," sources say the princess told her dance instructor.


Kaldane charged
Ghek the kaldane has been charged with disorderly conduct again.

According to reports from the Jeddak's Guard, Ghek snuck into the palace of Kantos Kan and exchanged places with the roast thoat dinner that was to be served last night.

Kantos Kan himself removed the lid from the tray, and promptly fainted when the kaldane announced: "I'm a bit underdone."


Vad Varo hangs shingle
Vad Varo, prince of Duhor, has opened a new medical practice after the collapse of his former partnership with the evil Ras Thavas.

The good doctor will become Barsoom's only plastic surgeon. He predicts a brisk business among the vain royal bluebloods of Barsoom.

"You can't shake a stick without hitting a nobleman or woman on this planet," Vad Varo said. "And they can't all be incomparably beautiful."


BEPA fines rebel prince
Prince Talu has been fined by the Barsoomian Environmental Protection Agency for failing to clean the Carrion Caves in a timely manner.

"We've applied for BEPA grants to buy noseplugs" the prince said. "It stinks in there."
 

.
ADVERTISING

Wanted
Yak Bak with prerecorded messages. Keeper at the Atmosphere Plant tired of hearing own voice. Call 1-800-IM BORED.
Contributed by Karla Chapman 
Having trouble producing eggs?

Try our new Thark fertility pill. Guaranteed to work in 30 days or your money back. Just $19.95 - Call now and we'll throw in your own personal incubator. Hurry while supplies last. Call 1-800-YES-YOLK.
Contributed by Karla Chapman 
Position wanted

Unemployed Thark seeking position as marriage counselor, hatchling abuse therapist, and or social etiquette technician. All replies considered. Contact: Sarkoja at # no. 4, Red Moss-Way Blvd., Thark.
Contributed by Blane Eckman
Travel

Exotic luxury cruises on the River of Mystery. Now available: Tours of the Valley Dor. Watch the sunrise strike the Golden Cliffs. See the plant men munch on hapless goofs who still cling to the false religion! See the great apes rend their victims! Watch the banths feast on suculent flesh! Incredible passage beneath the Otz Mountains included in package. Thurid is your cruise director. Nightly entertainment by "Matai Shang and the Shangrilas"

HELP WANTED
Someone to tend the fires. See Ghron, the mad Jed of Ghasta. Also need belly dancers and a bowling partner.
Sith fighter on the Kaolian Road. No allergies to bees, please. Contact Torkar Bar, dwar of the road.
Submarine operator. Boring job, and not much traffic these days. Great for student who needs time to study. Contact Zithad.
Night watchman to guard the Thark incubator. Good sakker gets job. See Tars Tarkas.
Librarian for Temple of Knowledge. Familiarity with metal and harness of every Barsoomian nation required. Contact Dejah Thoris, curator.
Personal Assistant to the Warlord sought. Sorry, my princess wonât allow me to have female slaves. Duties include wiping blood from my sword, cleaning up after Woola and painting my body red during undercover missions. Must enjoy being on the short end of overwhelming odds. Occasional visits to Jasoom for chit-chat with nephew. See John Carter.


REAL ESTATE
Best condominiums on Barsoom! Lowest prices allowed by law! Incredible ocean view! Friendly neighbors! Top-notch security! Vollyball! Free money! Lots of babes! Treasure! Contact Anatok, Jed of Gooli.
Entire city for sale. Good location for secret experiments. A little gooey, so may need mopping. See Ras Thavas, Morbus.


SERVICES
Have ape act, will entertain. Great for birthday parties. See Gor Hajus.
Will work for food (preferably plump red women). Former deity with extensive experience bending slaves to her will, cackling, and overseeing deadly rites seeks work with friendly, backwards nation. No green men, please. Issus.


FOR SALE
Play pranks on friends with Cloak of Invisibility. Spy on wife. Get out of work. Evade enemies. Lotsa fun. Also available: Flying Death. See Phor Tak.
Painting of John Carter and Dejah Thoris on black velvet. Winner of last year's Jeddak's Award. Also available: "Calots Playing Poker." Great for den or office. Contact: Sanoma Tora.


LOST
Rykor. It wandered off while I was in the john at the Warlord's Ball on Saturday night. Big reward! Contact Ghek soon. My chelae are killing me.

PERSONALS
Rich and noble seeks same
Need someone of my own status or greater. Must be loaded. Willing to relocate. I'm a beauty, but don't mind greaseball if he's rich. Sanoma Tora.

Boyish good looks
Tomboy with hidden good figure seeks manly brute for adventure. Can hold my own in a fight. Widely traveled. Just a slave, but have feeling of nobility. Tavia.

Bitch sought
Contact Woola at the Warlord's palace.

Smart seeks same
Fine speciman of a red man seeks fine red woman. Good cook desired. Conversation not required. No hormads, please. Tun Gan.

Brain seeks Brain
See Luud in Bantoom.


Listen to the Podcasts of Elmo's Dateline Jasoom via the vast Gridley Wave Network.
Visit www.PanthanPress.com for directions on tuning in your Gridley Wave antennae.
The show is podcast every two weeks and features
a full 15 minutes of news, zaniness, music, and interviews with ERB-world personalities --
all beamed directly from Elmo's state-of-the-art GWN studios on Barsoom..


Jeff Long's Barsoomian Blade & Panthan Press Features in ERBzine
Blade 1 | Blade 2 | Blade 3 | Blade 4 | Blade 5 | Blade Fiction 1 | Fiction 2 | Fiction 3 | Fiction 4
Princess of Jasoom | Princess 1 | Princess 2 | Princess 3 | Princess 4 | Princess 5 |

From

The Worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs

Tarzan.com
Tarzine: Official Monthly Webzine of ERB, Inc.
John Coleman Burroughs Tribute Site
Tarzan.org
Danton Burroughs Website: Tarzana Treasure Vaults
Burroughs Bibliophiles
ERBzine Weekly Webzine



BILL HILLMAN
Visit our thousands of other sites at:
BILL AND SUE-ON HILLMAN ECLECTIC STUDIO
ERB Text, ERB Images and Tarzan® are ©Edgar Rice Burroughs, Inc.- All Rights Reserved.
All Original Work ©1996-2008/2010 by Bill Hillman and/or Contributing Authors/Owners
All Panthan Press and Barsoomian Blade Material Copyright 1998/2006 by Jeff Long
No part of this web site may be reproduced without permission from the respective owners.