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Edgar Rice Burroughs Signature
Master of Imaginative Fantasy Adventure 
Creator of Tarzan and "Grandfather of American Science Fiction" 
Weekly Online Fanzine
Volume 0217

Bill Clinton, the Pope, a boy scout and Tarzan were riding in an airplane when the pilot came running back screaming, grabbed a canvas pack and shouted, "There're only three parachutes left! Figure it out!" as he jumped out of the plane.

Bill Clinton immediately turned to the others and said, "Being a former President of the United States, I'm one of the most important and most intelligent men in the world. I can't die. And besides, I've got a hot date tonight."  He grabbed a canvas pack and jumped out the plane, shouting "Jennifer!"

The boy scout nudged Tarzan and asked, "Wasn't he supposed to say Geronimo?"

The Pope then turned to Tarzan and the boy scout. "My boys, as a religious leader, I feel it is my duty to sacrifice myself so that you both may live. Take the last two parachutes with my blessings."

To which Tarzan replied, "There's not a problem. One of the most intelligent men in the world just jumped out of the plane wearing this boy scout's back pack."

~Submitted by Michael Tierney

Back in the Thirties, the enterprising mayor of Tarzana, California, established a city zoo that became a significant Southern California tourist attraction. Soon after it opened, one of the star attractions, Kerchak, an African Great Ape, escaped. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. Looking under "Animal Capturing Services" in the Yellow Pages he found a listing for Elmo's Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the administration office of the zoo and Elmo, a large barrell-chested man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?" the man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop into the truck," the man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a canyon which contained a large grove of trees where they immediately spotted Kerchak on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and Elmo opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.

Elmo reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed-off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a butter knife and baseball bat.

"Now," Elmo said, "I'm going up into the tree with the knife and the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and at that time you must run over to snap on the handcuffs and we'll have him.

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"

Elmo said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine. After all, I have the knife and the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

One day, young Tarzan was caught out in the open, far from any tree and with Sheeta, the leopard, heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch.

Tarzan thought, "Uh oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, Tarzan exclaimed loudly in the Ape language that all cats can understand, "Yum, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, Sheeta halted his attack in mid-strike and, terrified, slunk away into the trees.

"Whew!" Said Sheeta, "That was close! That hairless white ape nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, Manu the monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree and figured he could put this knowledge to good use, and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went. But Tarzan saw the monkey heading after Sheeta with great speed, and figured that he must be up to something. Manu soon caught up with the leopard, told what he'd seen, and struck a deal with the leopard.

The leopard was furious at being made a fool of, and said; "Here, Manu, hop on my back and watch what's going to happen to that conniving Tarmangani!"

Tarzan saw the leopard returning with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" He was closer to the safety of the trees, but instead of running, the young apeman once again sat down with his back to his attackers and pretended that he hadn't seen them yet. Just when they got close enough to hear, Tarzan declared;

"Where's that confounded monkey? He's supposed to bring me another leopard!"

Tarzan came home from a rough day of swinging through the trees. Jane, as usual, was at the treehouse to greet him with a pitcher of martinis and a pair of chilled glasses.

Tarzan plopped into his chair and, without observing the niceties, lunged for the pitcher, filled his glass, and glugged it down, a wild look in his eyes. Then, he grabbed the pitcher again, sloshed the liquid into his glass, and chugged that also. Jane was looking on in horror and concern. Once more, Tarzan grabbed the pitcher, filled his glass, and gulped it down. He sat there, holding the glass, staring at nothing, breathing heavily.

"Tarzan, Tarzan," Jane cried. "What's the matter?"

Tarzan continued to sit and stare, his breathing gradually becoming more even.  Finally he said,

"'s a jungle out there."

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. 
Tarzan removed his clothes. 
All the animals laughed at Tarzan. 
Tarzan asked "Why"?

A: The animals told him "Your tail is in front"

This Elmo story didn't tickle your funnybone?
Well, go to
Samuel Stoddard's Dialectizer Website
and enter our ERBzine URL
to translate it into the following dialects:
Redneck ~ Jive ~ Cockney ~ Elmer Fudd ~ 
Swedish Chef ~ Moron ~ Pig Latin

Hur vet man att Tarzan var norsk?
Han var ju apornas konung...

by Larry Homer
(NOTE: Let me say in preamble that this is meant to be humorous, rather than piercing literary criticism. I have spent as many pleasant hours reading ERB material as the next red-blooded American boy (I mean no slight to all the other nationalities represented among ERB's faithful fans), but sometimes I am overcome by the urge to poke fun at the same authors I most appreciate. ERB isn't the first and he won't be the last. I decided to say this first because of several painful experiences elsewhere on the Net where I posted something that was meant to be funny, but didn't bother to say so, and was castigated for my lack of comprehension of what a particular author was really trying to say, or else I DID put in a disclaimer ("This is HUMOR") as the final paragraph, and was upbraided by people who evidently had quit in disgust before reading that last paragraph, but couldn't resist the opportunity to yell at me because I was missing the whole point in my discussion of whatever I was discussing. With the formal disclaimer out of the way, let's move on to the main body of the post.)

Reviewing some of ERB's classic series lately, I started wondering exactly what ARE the precepts of this noble code which his heroes invariably honor? They certainly seem to feel they are behaving honorably, but we don't hear much about the details of the rules they live by. Accordingly, I have tried to derive the rules from their behavior patterns, and here is what I came up with as the foundation of their creed:

1. I shall give lip service to democratic ideals such as that a man should be judged and rewarded by his own character and accomplishments, and not just by whatever money, real estate, titles, etc., he may have inherited from his ancestors.

2. I shall give lip service to the idea that we should all avoid the fallacy of judging people's inner merit, sweetness of character, etc. by such superficial indicators as the shade of their skin, the comeliness of their features, etc.

3. I shall accept any and all aristocratic-style honors which are offered me (Duke, Warlord, Emperor, etc.).

4. I shall insist upon marrying a beautiful princess, repeat PRINCESS, and be downright smug about my accomplishment, frequently muttering, "My wife is the most beautiful woman in two worlds!" or words to that effect.

5. I shall steadfastly deny that any possible contradiction could exist when points 1, 2, 3, and 4 are considered side by side.

6. I shall be either the strongest man in the world where I principally operate, or the best swordsman, or preferably both.

7. Given that I have achieved Point 6, I shall sneer contemptuously at any villain who refuses to face me in single combat with equal weaponry (or bare hands) to settle our differences, and call him an honorless coward, or words to that effect.

8. I shall be as vague about chronological matters as possible, making it impossible for even my most fervent admirers to reach a firm consensus on when each episode of my life happened, when my children were born, etc. In extreme cases I will either claim that time is a variable and doesn't pass at the same rate for everyone in the same setting, or give flatly contradictory data, such as my marriage occurring around 20 years after my birth, i.e. 1908 or 1909, and my son being a fighter pilot in the British military at the outbreak of World War I in 1914. Egad, that young whippersnapper matured quickly!

9. I shall never kill anyone except for the noblest of reasons, such as A) in a clear-cut case of self-defense, B) in a clear-cut case of defense of a beautiful maiden, C) because it furthers the plot.

10) As a general rule, whenever I encounter a "lost civilization," I shall never share the secrets of gunpowder, the steam engine, germ theory, and other modern innovations with the inhabitants; nor shall I expose them directly to 20th Century Civilization, but instead leave them living in their squalid, Stone Age (or Iron Age) conditions and never my trouble myself with concerns as to what their infant mortality rate is, etc. It's for their own good, I tell myself! Modern innovations would just "corrupt" them!

(NOTE: I admit that there were exceptions. Tarzan didn't do #4 and David Innes didn't do #10. But such exceptions were far and few between, methinks).                Larry Homer

Suppressed NASA Pathfinder Photo of the Mars Surface

B.C. by Johnny Hart - 99.09.11
"We ask Peter stay -- live with us. Him refuse, him man of destiny."
"Peter good man, but got ants in skivvies."
"So, where is Peter, now?"
"Not know, him go West.'
"We try stop him. Tell him no pass to West."
"Him no listen to us."
"Him stubborn... still think world is round -- go look for you."
"Why do they talk like that?"
"I'm hip!... I keep wanting to buy them an infinitive or something."
"Where did you learn to speak English so well?"
"We learn from three books we find in old underground cavern."
"What kind of books?"
"Come, we show you."

Illustrations by Stu Shiffman for
Adventure of the Martian Hegira:
fragments from the
Barsoomian Reminiscences of Sherlock Holmes
as edited by
Stu Shiffman, FWA,
member: Sound of the Baskervilles, Hounds of the Internet
The Barsoomian Reminiscences are featured in ERBzine 0215
Release date: September 24, 1999

One Leg Too Few
The One-Legged Tarzan Sketch
by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
    Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is. 
(enter Dudley, hopping on one leg)
    Mr. Spiggott, I believe?
    Yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature. (keeps hopping)
    Yes...if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spiggott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spiggott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
    Now, Mr. Spiggott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
    You noticed that?
    I noticed that, Mr. Spiggott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan - a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
    And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
    A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
    Very true.
    Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
    Yes, I think you ought to.
    Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
    The leg division?
    Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said "A lovely leg for the role." I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.
    You mean it's inadequate?
    Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged apeman swinging through the jungly tendrils.
    I see.
    However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying "Get out. Run away."
    So there's still a chance?
    There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
    Well...thank you very much.
    So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows Dudley out) I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spiggott.
Jungle Funnnies Volume 1 is now available at ERBzine 0164
Have you heard a good jungle story lately? 
Would you like to share it?
Please send it on over to Tarcoons & Funnies.
For more ERB parodies check out the mind-numbing Ratnaz Files 
~~ all 122 chapters ~~ 
written by your very own WebJed and ERBmania's Tangor. 
The "Files" are featured in two affordable editions found at:
JoN's All-Gory Pulp Parody Magazine
Now... if ya wanna see something REALLY funny...
check out Elmo's Barsoomian Blade

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