Bill Clinton, the Pope, a boy scout and Tarzan were riding in an airplane when the pilot came running back screaming, grabbed a canvas pack and shouted, "There're only three parachutes left! Figure it out!" as he jumped out of the plane.

Bill Clinton immediately turned to the others and said, "Being a former President of the United States, I'm one of the most important and most intelligent men in the world. I can't die. And besides, I've got a hot date tonight."  He grabbed a canvas pack and jumped out the plane, shouting "Jennifer!"

The boy scout nudged Tarzan and asked, "Wasn't he supposed to say Geronimo?"

The Pope then turned to Tarzan and the boy scout. "My boys, as a religious leader, I feel it is my duty to sacrifice myself so that you both may live. Take the last two parachutes with my blessings."

To which Tarzan replied, "There's not a problem. One of the most intelligent men in the world just jumped out of the plane wearing this boy scout's back pack."

~Submitted by Michael Tierney

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ELMO'S ACME APE APPREHENDERS

Back in the Thirties, the enterprising mayor of Tarzana, California, established a city zoo that became a significant Southern California tourist attraction. Soon after it opened, one of the star attractions, Kerchak, an African Great Ape, escaped. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. Looking under "Animal Capturing Services" in the Yellow Pages he found a listing for Elmo's Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the administration office of the zoo and Elmo, a large barrell-chested man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?" the man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop into the truck," the man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a canyon which contained a large grove of trees where they immediately spotted Kerchak on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and Elmo opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.

Elmo reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed-off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a butter knife and baseball bat.

"Now," Elmo said, "I'm going up into the tree with the knife and the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and at that time you must run over to snap on the handcuffs and we'll have him.

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"

Elmo said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine. After all, I have the knife and the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

---

One day, young Tarzan was caught out in the open, far from any tree and with Sheeta, the leopard, heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch.

Tarzan thought, "Uh oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, Tarzan exclaimed loudly in the Ape language that all cats can understand, "Yum, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, Sheeta halted his attack in mid-strike and, terrified, slunk away into the trees.

"Whew!" Said Sheeta, "That was close! That hairless white ape nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, Manu the monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree and figured he could put this knowledge to good use, and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went. But Tarzan saw the monkey heading after Sheeta with great speed, and figured that he must be up to something. Manu soon caught up with the leopard, told what he'd seen, and struck a deal with the leopard.

The leopard was furious at being made a fool of, and said; "Here, Manu, hop on my back and watch what's going to happen to that conniving Tarmangani!"

Tarzan saw the leopard returning with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" He was closer to the safety of the trees, but instead of running, the young apeman once again sat down with his back to his attackers and pretended that he hadn't seen them yet. Just when they got close enough to hear, Tarzan declared;

"Where's that confounded monkey? He's supposed to bring me another leopard!"

---

Tarzan came home from a rough day of swinging through the trees. Jane, as usual, was at the treehouse to greet him with a pitcher of martinis and a pair of chilled glasses.

Tarzan plopped into his chair and, without observing the niceties, lunged for the pitcher, filled his glass, and glugged it down, a wild look in his eyes. Then, he grabbed the pitcher again, sloshed the liquid into his glass, and chugged that also. Jane was looking on in horror and concern. Once more, Tarzan grabbed the pitcher, filled his glass, and gulped it down. He sat there, holding the glass, staring at nothing, breathing heavily.

"Tarzan, Tarzan," Jane cried. "What's the matter?"

Tarzan continued to sit and stare, his breathing gradually becoming more even.  Finally he said,

"Jane.....it's a jungle out there."

---

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. 
Tarzan removed his clothes. 
All the animals laughed at Tarzan. 
Tarzan asked "Why"?

A: The animals told him "Your tail is in front"

One Leg Too Few
The One-Legged Tarzan Sketch
by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

Peter
    Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spiggott, I believe it is. 
(enter Dudley, hopping on one leg)
Peter
    Mr. Spiggott, I believe?
Dudley
    Yes, Spiggott by name, Spiggott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter
    Yes...if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spiggott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spiggott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley
    Right.
Peter
    Now, Mr. Spiggott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley
    You noticed that?
Peter
    I noticed that, Mr. Spiggott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan - a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley
    Correct.
Peter
    And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley
    Right.
Peter
    A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley
    Very true.
Peter
    Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley
    Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter
    Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley
    The leg division?
Peter
    Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said "A lovely leg for the role." I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley
    You mean it's inadequate?
Peter
    Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged apeman swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley
    I see.
Peter
    However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying "Get out. Run away."
Dudley
    So there's still a chance?
Peter
    There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley
    Well...thank you very much.
Peter
    So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. (shows Dudley out) I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spiggott.