Some people may find this new Url Web story offensive. But
then, some people would find ERB's mad Jed of Ghasta, who liked to grill
young girls over a fire, pretty darn offensive, too. Who am I to judge?
Lonely red man rode a thoat in the red desert of Barsoom, man had another
thoat in the rope as well. Man was Url Web, who had followed footprints
in the sand for some while. He passed a small hill and suddenly he saw
an ancient Martian city right ahead.
Url Web realized quickly that this city in front of him can't be Fluke,
because he didn't see the famous landmarks of Fluke, he had been told of
landmarks from which he could recognise it.
"So," he thought. "I have been following the footprints of an enemy."
All unknown cities must be considered as enemy cities. He continued
his thought, "This must be the city, where those two warriors I beheaded
How absolutely right he was, he was to find out very soon, because when
he saw the city and realized it was not Fluke, he immediately tried to
change the direction of his thoat. Url Web had no desire to enter enemy
city or be seen by the enemy. But his thoat didn't change its direction.
It kept its course right towards the city.
Only when it was too late, Url Web realized that the thoat he rode was
trained to return to its home, in case it loses its rightful owner. Url
Web had absolutely no control over the thoat. When realising that, Url
Web jumped off the thoat and rolled down to the red dust of Barsoom. It
was too late anyway. Guards in the city walls had seen him already and
recognised him as a stranger, and at the moment armed warriors riding the
thoats came out of city port and rode in his direction.
Url saw the men coming, he said to himself: "There's no point to escape."
He realized he can't outrun the thoats, nor were there any hiding place
around. So he stood at his place calmly and let his sword lay in peace
at his waist, it would be no use against so many men.
One man rode in front. Url Web thought that he must be their leader.
This man stopped his thoat right before Url Web and said "Kaor! Who might
you be? And what are you doing in the lands of Vittu?"
Url Web recognized the name and the marks in the soldiers' belts. This
was indeed the same city where those two warriors came. Unfortunately Url
Web soon realized that these men can recognize marks as well.
Url Web answered: "Kaor! I am Url Web and I come in peace. May I visit
your city as peaceful visitor and world traveller to eat and rest?"
Chief of the warriors seemed to have hard time to keep his facial impressions
static, while the other soldiers blew up into laughter. Url Web thought
it was a hopeless shot, from their laughter it seemed obvious that these
people don't appreciate peaceful travellers too much. Url Web's only hope
had been unexpected and brave suggestion, since no-one thought that friendly
passengers could even exist in Barsoom.
Chief warrior was up to the joke. "So if you are friendly and peaceful
traveller, would you mind to explain us, how come you happen to ride thoats
of Pas Ka and Pil Lu?" he asked. "Were they also so friendly, that they
gave their thoats to you?"
"Well," Url Web answered, "I met them in peace, but they wanted to kill
me, so I had no other choice than cut their heads off, as much as I hated
to do it, since I am a peace-loving guy."
The warriors didn't saying to that, so the descendant of John Carter
"The thoats were lost and ownerless, so I thought I should take care
of them, until the rightful owner claims them."
Chief looked still calm and said, "Well, I saw you are a clever man
and good with words, you must also be a great warrior, if you killed Pil
Lu and Pas Ka, and I can also see that you have quite a little brother,
so you must be mighty soldier. So you may come to visit our city in peace."
Url Web accepted, even though he wasn't all that sure that his visit
will be too peaceful, it was quite obvious from the soldier's laugh that
they were expecting something funny waiting for him. But there were no
way to refuse. Url Web wondered what the hell was the talk about his little
brother, since he had no brother and these people wouldn’t know if he would
had anyway. But he didn't feel that this moment would be too good for questioning.
Some soldier had captured the thoats that Url Web previously rode, so
he was given the same thoat that he rode before. Url Web rode with soldiers
into the strange city, it was beautiful city Url Web thought, all buildings
seemed to be artistically decorated and in geometrically perfect order.
People come and go in their business, people were really fine looking red
Martians, both men and women, no hostility were to be seen, people gave
friendly greetings to the soldiers accompanying Url Web, no special interest
were pointed towards him. Maybe this is after all very civilized and friendly
town, Url Web thought to himself.
Url was taken into palace complex, after they rode to the thoats into
the stable, Url and soldiers jump down from their thoats. Url Web tell
the chief "You have a beautiful town here, people seem beautiful and friendly,
I think I'm going to joy my visit here!" Chief gave a wide grin, while
he answered "I am sure you will, my friend." Simultaneously Url Web felt
the hit in the back of his head and lost his consciousness, one of the
soldiers had hit him from behind and laughed, "Yes, it will be very joyful
ViiSas sat on the desert rock, it saw a red man it hated been captured
and taken into the city. ViiSas looked until the man disappeared behind
the city walls and then it started to walk over the sand towards the city
walls in order to follow the man and finally got its revenge.
Url Web regain his consciousness and find out that he was chained into
the wall of some sort of rounded prison chamber. Chamber was about 30 feet
in diameter, the chaining arrangement of prisoners was quite strange. People
were chained in two floors -- upper prisoner were chained into the wall
some seven feet from the floor level, and the lower prisoner into the floor
level. Upper prisoners were all men, but in lower level there were some
women prisoners as well. Url Web was chained in the upper level. There
was nobody below him.
Url Web wondered what this arrangement was all about. He was about to
ask the other prisoners when the door in the other side of the chamber
opened. Four soldiers walk in, dragging a beautiful girl with them. Url
Web's heart left a couple of beats undone, when he saw the girl, then his
heart started to pump with insanely fast speed.
Url Web could barely believe the beauty of the girl. He watched those
long thighs, those wonderful hips above them, that amazingly thin waist
and belly, those middle-sized cute hills above them, that noble neck and
chin, her perfectly shaped face, that small cute nose, those wide sparkling
dark eyes, her long beautifully curved coal black shiny hair and those
red lips that just asked to be kissed.
Url Web fell in love in less than a millisecond. While Url Web was still
all mixed up with his new found love feelings, soldiers bring the girl
right under Url Web and chained her right below him in the floor level.
Then the soldiers leave the chamber.
After the soldiers went, Url Web regained some of his normal thinking
and he asked the girl below, "Kaor, I'm Url Web of Helium, may I ask you
who you are and why you are imprisoned?"
The girl answered, "Kaor, I am princess Vilma Vhenus from Fluke. I was
imprisoned because I refused to marry their jeddak. They said that couple
of days chained here would change my mind, but nothing will. I heard that
I will get some John Carter descendant for my cell mate. They told me that
soon I will discover what the famous Carter gentlemenship really is. They
said that soon I will appreciate the gentlemanship of their jeddak.”
Url Web said, “Well I am a Carter descendant, it’s true that we are
famous for gentlemenship, but I don’t see what they mean otherwise."
Unfortunately, soon he would find out. Url Web talked with the girl
more, then Url Web was suddenly afraid that this girl might be too close
of a relative, since the last city where Carters were royal was in Fluke.
He cautiously asked if there were any royal Carter descendants left in
Fluke. Vilma Vhenus answered that in royal family there’s only one, the
one that is married with her aunt -- princess Janina Vhenus.
Url Web was very relieved to hear this, since he was ever more and more
in love with this girl. Url Web had never been too much of a ladies man,
even though everyone called him handsome. Through his infatuation, he remembered
his encounter with green thark woman Sarkoja, when he was captured by 23rd
Thark community just before he entered the desert separating Fluke from
rest of the world. Shivers went down Url Web's spine when he though the
green woman, thanks to whom he got away from Tharks.
More talks with Vilma and suddenly Url Web realized that he had a need
to empty his bowels. Sudden realizations went through Url’s mind. He had
from the first moment from waking up in this chamber smelled the faecals,
but that was no news. He knew that Barsoomian prisons don’t have the best
of smells. Prisoners are chained into walls and had no choice other than
do their needs under them.
Url Web remembered John Carter saying, when interviewed on Heliumian
television, that when he was imprisoned for half a year in the Zodangan
prison -- charged with escaping the Valley Dor -- that first he made a
chair from his own faecals and in the end of his imprisoning he had full-sized
bed made from his own faecals. He wrote this into his manuscripts on Jasoom,
but his nephew Edgar left this detail off the story as too inappropriate.
Url Web also had already seen prisoners at the other side of the chamber
doing their needs right on top of the other one. Url Web felt the terrible
feel of fullness in his lower body, his bladder felt like it would explode,
his ass felt like burst at this second.
Url had stopped his talking with Vilma Vhenus, maybe the princess realised
what is going on also, she had seen what had happened with the other prisoners,
probably she realised just as Url Web did what the gentlemenship talk was
Desperation fulfilled Url Web’s mind, he thought desperate thoughts,
planned desperate things, he though if he take speed and swing his lower
onwards he could empty his bowels in front of the girl, but he didn’t
think he’s fast enough and the rest would drop on the girl. This certainly
most difficult situation that an descendant of Virginian gentleman
could ever face.
John Carter, the Warlord of Mars, stand behind the pillar’s in the shady
of the strange large rounded hall. Carter had walked in the desert quite
a long time, until he saw this unknown ancient city. Carter needed food,
so he had waited till dark, before he secretly enter the town over the
city walls. Now Carter wear the outfit of these strangers, his costume
was a gift from the very nice fellow, who gave them to Carter after Carter
let him taste his shortsword.
Carter had his skin still sunburnt and he thought that he might still
fool these men to think that he's a red Martian from this town, but still
he wasn't too sure about that and wasn't too interested to enter the room
to be seen.
This strange hall both puzzled and disgusted Carter, room was all the
time occupied by casual men that came and go, but what these men did bothered
Carter. In the hall, there were five holes in the floor, holes were about
30 feet in diameter, at his position Carter didn't saw what there were
in the holes, but he could guess.
Carter thought this must be a strange mensroom, because many of the
men that came here went by the same hole and pissed into it. But the thing
that bothered Carter was that most of the men laughed crazily while they
pissed and some didn't pissed at all, but just watched to the hole while
others pissed and they have erection. What a strange town Carted thought
and hoped that by evening he could escape this hall and steal some food
and thoat and escape this town.
Url Web might not have been too happy to know that his prison hole were
to be used as toilet next day. Anyway at the moment Url was painfully need
of an toilet, when the soldiers came into chamber, they came right to Url
and said "So, you are the Carter descendant, the Biggest wants to see you."
And they take his chains off and lead him out of the prison chamber.
One soldier ask laughingly, if Url is in need for using an mensroom,
Url answered, "Yes, please!" Men push Url in the very modern looking mensroom,
it was traditional Barsoomian mensroom with toilet, mirror and chemical
handwashing equipment. There were not enough water in Barsoom to waste
in toilets, so the hand washing and the destroying of faecals must be done
chemically. Url laughed and cried from joy, when he got to emptying his
Url washed his hands and step out of the mensroom. Chief of the soldiers
asked laughingly "So, did it ease?", Url answered "Yep, very much" Chief
still laughed and said "The Biggest is very interested to see you, we have
heard that Carter descendants have quite huge little brothers, and judging
from you, it must be true."
Little brother again, Url thought. Are these people seeing things? Url
asked the chief, "Little brother?"
Man answer, "Yes, it seems that that you have big enough to challenge
"The Biggest?" Url asked.
"Yes, our jeddak," was the answer. "His official title was The Holder
of The Biggest, but nowadays he is just called The Biggest."
At the same time Url was lead into the large rounded hall, men were
standing all around the hall, there were no chairs, except the throne chair,
obviously for the jeddak. Url watched around, there were no women around.
The door behind the throne opened, man and two young girls walked in, man
sit into the throne and the two girls sat by his feet. The crowd in the
hall shouted "Long live the biggest, may your big brother be merciful to
Ceremonial master stepped in the floor and pushed man with him, the
half blooded green and red man mix, and the master said here's the half
blooded thark Carter descendant. The biggest watched the ten foot long
purple coloured four legged ten foot tall man and said, "What an ugly creature,
and his little brother does no honour for Carter name, Hul Lu step in and
kill him". Strong red soldier stepped in the floor with axe and said "As
you wish the biggest, may your big brother be merciful to us", and he faced
the purple coloured hybrid saying "Be repaired to die ugly bastard, Hul
Lu is going to kill you right now." Ceremonial master cave the purple man
a longsword and said, "Battle well, so the big brother would awake and
speak to us."
The battle started, Url watched the ugly hybrid, which was allegedly
his relative, but he didn't know him. The huge red man swinged his axe,
the purple man tried to cover, his purple skin was soon covered with purple
blood, he got huge cuts in his flesh, when the red mans axe hit him. Crowd
John Carter had been hiding behind the pillar in the strange toilet
room, until some man came by the same pillar and greeted him. "Hi friend,
have you yanked off already? It's all right, I go behind the next pillar."
Man has erection when he walked behind the next pillar. Yank off? Carter
thought, what's that? But now that he was seen, he stepped into the hall
and walked by the rounded hole in the floor. Men greeted him "Hi friend,
did it ease?" Carter thought it's best to admit, so he said "Yep!" One
man was pissing in the hole, finally Carter got to see the hole, the smell
was disgusting, he saw that there were people chained in the wall, the
man beside Carter pissed right onto the head of one prisoner.
Disgust filled Carter, he almost jump into the mans throat, but managed
to calm himself down. Man said, "Orsom, isn't it?" Carter was filled with
rage, he couldn't believe what sort of perverts were these people to torture
and humiliate their prisoners like that. Man got his needs fulfilled and
he said to Carter "Come on, it's time to go, they have couple of Carter
descendants, and they are going to butched them in the arena right now."
"Carter descendants?" Carter asked.
"Yes, come on", man said and walk to the door, Carter follow.
While they walk through hallways, man said, "By the way friend, you
got a quite huge little brother, you have big enough to challenge the biggest,
if you don't, you should hide it from the Biggest, otherwise he will decapitate
your little brother some night in order to make you no challenger."
John Carter didn't have time to ask about the strange little brother
talk before they enter the loud room, where were fight was going on.
John Carter looked the fight still puzzled by this town habits. There
were badly wounded half blooded green/red man fighting with the strong
Ceremonial master's voice filled the air, he shout "Big brother has
awaken, speak to us, oh big brother!"
The crowd turn to look the throne, so did Url Web and John Carter, the
Biggest sit in his chair and his huge organ has erection, the girls in
his feet started to satisfied the Biggest's organ, crowd shouted "Speak
to us, oh big brother, speak to us!", people watched the Hul Lu and the
biggest organ, which got the gentle treatment from the two girls, ceremonial
master shout "End him Hul Lu, make the big brother speak."
Hul Lu swinged his axe right to the throat of purple hybrid, the head
rolled to the floor, blood spout into the air from cutted veins, people
looked the corpse falling to the floor and the biggest, who standed up
and simultaneously had ejaculation. People shout "Big brother speaks, big
brother speaks, long live the big brother."
Url Web and John Carter watched this show at the different places in
the hall, for Url this was something totally unknown. Carter had seen many
things at his thousand years as mercenary in Earth, but he had never seen
such perversed sexual oriented people in Barsoom.
As they look this scene, many other man seemed to squirt also, finally
the excitement around the room seemed to calm a bit and silence start to
The corpse of hybrid man was dragged out from the door. The ceremonial
master stepped into the floor again and said “Long live the biggest, may
your big brother be merciful to us!" He continued, “Oh big brother we have
another Carter descendant for you." Url Web was then pushed into the floor.
Url Web though to take this sublimely and stand his back straight looking
The Biggest looked at Url, evaluating. Url saw that the look directed
into his groin. The Biggest said “Well, this man has quite a little brother,
obviously fine Carter line, he deserve to die in the hands of great warrior,
Ur Hea step in and show the Carter descendant how to fight."
Url Web saw a huge seven feet tall broadshouldered red man with a grin
in his face step into the floor with a longsword, Url though that this
man might be too much for him, quickly his brain calculate situation and
he shouted “The Biggest is a coward to not fight himself, John Carter and
his descendants always their fights themselves, is the Biggest a coward
that hides behind bigger men?"
The Biggest stand up and shout “The Biggest don’t fight with foreigners
and only those with big enough little brother are entitled to challenge
the Biggest” There were some shouts from the crowd like “This man has a
big enough to challenge” and “Why don’t you kill him yourself the Biggest,
let him feel the wrath of your big brother?" Probably this got the Biggest
to decide to take the challenge, he shout, " OK. You got my big brother
angry, I will kill you myself."
So the Biggest stepped into floor with his longsword. Ur Hea gave his
longsword to Url Web and stepped of the floor back to the crowd.
John Carter saw all this and thought if he should step in and introduce
himself as well as challenge the Biggest himself, but the years of inactivity
made him thought that this unknown descendant of himself probably had a
better chance with the Biggest.
The Biggest swinged his longsword in wide curves, he approach Url Web
in rage, he swinged difficult slashes with his sword, Url was forced onto
defensive side, Url pushed some hits towards the biggest body when ever
seeing the opening. The fight got some time, Url’s good defence nullify
the Biggest angry pressuring.
Url saw that the excitement of the fight got strange forms, many men
in the crowd got erection, Url watched the groins of the Biggest and saw
that he had erection also, Url heard the crowd shouting “The Big brother
has awaken, speak to us, oh big brother!". The Biggest again swinged terrible
hit towards Url.
Url managed to parry and at the same moment his brain got idea, probably
inspired by disgust of this sexually perverted atmosphere or just the fact
that his brain saw an opening, suddenly he discovered unshielded body part
of the Biggest and with one fine aimed hit he cut the Biggest erected organ
The crowd suddenly silenced, the Biggest stopped his attack and watched
his groins, Url Web stopped too, maybe his uncanny act shocked himself
too, he had never heard anyone doing the same thing in swordfight ever
before, even though everyone’s genitals in Barsoom was always naked. Maybe
the chock or pain made the biggest collapse to the floor, Url put down
his sword thinking if he should end this fight and kill the Biggest now.
ViiSas the Earth rat watched the fight from the hole in the room wall,
near the throne. ViiSas had followed the man he wanted to see dead many
days now, again it saw the man fought and won, so still ViiSas didn't get
it's revenge. Anyway, ViiSas saw a good piece of meat dropping to the floor,
it felt it's hunger and quickly run into the floor, took the piece of fresh
meet into his mouth and run back to the hole to eat, before no-one even
"My big brother! My big brother!" shouted the former Biggest, kneeling
down on the floor searching for his biggest treasure, like he could save
it now, even if he finds it, but it was already in better mouths.
Actually it could have been saved if these people would have known about
Ras Thavas. The poor former the biggest lost his light of sanity completely
after losing the centerpoint of his very being. Man crawled insanely on
the floor and no-one take any notice of him anymore.
Crowd was silent only couple of seconds, it was shocked to saw the big
brother cutted off and The Biggest crawling on the floor. Ceremonial master
was the first to recover, he was a man with big ambition, but not big enough
organ to take the rule, so he saw an opportunity to rule by this stranger,
who was big enough.
Ceremonial master shouted "Big Brother is dead, long live the big brother
and new The Biggest, may your big brother be merciful to us!", he walked
to Url and raised his hand up, like showing everyone who he meant, then
he continued "Will anyone challenge new The Biggest? Does anyone have big
enough to challenge?"
No-one seemed to have until the man who lead Carter into this hall shouted
there is a man with big enough to challenge and pointed John Carter. Carter
saw no other opportunity than step on the floor and start to walk towards
the throne, he heard man whispering around "Look at that!", "He surely
has big enough!" and "Where had he kept that hidden?"
Url Web saw a man approaching until he recognise him and shouted "John
Carter!" John Carter stepped to the throne platform and Url Web jumped
towards Carter and hug him. “It’s really you, John Carter” Url said. Carter
simply answered “Yep”. Crowd was simply astonished to saw a legend himself,
no-one seemed to know what to do.
Url Web didn’t had time to change words with Carter, so he said “I have
to something immediately,” and run out of the doorway leaving Carter standing
alone on the throne stage.
Url run into the prison chamber to free his love, when he got the chains
off the lovely princess Vilma Vhenus, the girl hit him into the face shouting
"You Ulsio!", and then with other hand "You bastard!" and with an other
hand again "You #¤%&¤!"
She was literally pissed at Url Web.
The evening came, John Carter and Url Web had had some conversations
with ceremonial master, who was second man in rule order at the city, crowd
had leave the fighting arena wondering what the new ruler means to them.
Url and Carter finally entered their sleeping chambers.
A man walked quietly through the dark secret hallways towards the sleeping
chamber that ceremonial master had pointed to Url Web, the new The Biggest.
Man wear a long robe and he hold a dagger in his hand.
ViiSas sit at the hole in the wall, it had followed the hated man, now
it saw the man getting into the bed and it waited. It knew it couldn't
kill the man itself, but it can do something else. It was a wise rat and
it realizes which part of the body creates pleasure and was now determined
to remove that part from that man.
Dark figure of a man reached the secret small chamber right behind the
wall of Url's room, in fact man standed now only a couple of feet’s from
the spot where Url Web slept calmly in his bed. Man pushed his hand through
the hole in the wall and cut a hole to the wall-painting with his dagger,
then he pushed other hand through the hole and searched Url's bed-clothes
and then pushed his hand under them.
In the total darkness of the night ViiSas heard that the man has fallen
asleep, his breathing has got that slow periodic tone, ViiSas knew the
direction of the bed and walked right by it and jumped on it and found
its way under the bed-clothes.
The man pushed his hand under Url's bed clothes and continued towards
Url's organ tenderly not to wake him, finally his hand reach the target,
he took a good hold of it and push his other hand holding the dagger through
the hole and to follow the first hand, man quietly whispered "soon the
biggest, will no longer be the holder of the biggest."
ViiSas placed Url's legs and follow them up towards his body part, which
ViiSas was determined to bite off. ViiSas reach the crossing point of man's
legs and couple inches further the reach the sausage-like fleshbite, it
followed couple of inches toward the spot it though would be close the
root of this organ. Then ViiSas open it's mouth wide and take a strong
bite that separated the fleshbite from the body that hold it.
The shadowed man got his dagger to it's destination, when terrible pain
hit the forefinger of his hand holding the target. Terrible pain strike
through the man's nervous system, he screamed as his finger was separated
from his hand, his grip from the target loosened.
Url waked up to the terrible scream and was fully awake in milliseconds,
he felt alien hand's under his bed-clothes, inside the second he jumped
up from the bed and took a hard grip of the hands and tear them and twist
and break the bones from them. More terrible screams filled the air.
ViiSas plunged into the hole in the wall with its prey, it heard the
terrible scream behind it, it felt the joy fulfilling it's heart, it had
succeed, IhaNa was now revenged. ViiSas walked even more deeper into the
hole, there were no more reason to rush or look back. Finally it stopped
and ate its prey thinking that strangely this meatpiece doesn't feel as
big as it looked at the daylight and it didn't taste quite the same that
the one it ate early in the day and this one seemed to have small bones
too, but it was soon eaten anyway. ViiSas continued ahead and came outside,
it walked toward city walls
found a hole in it and was soon in the moonlight of the desert, it
started to walk towards it's home, where it knew would be many beautiful
Ulsio maidens waiting for their Jeddak.
John Carter was half sleep when he heard the scream from the direction
of Url Web's sleeping chamber, Carter never slept full sleep, since he
knew to expect problems. In couple of seconds Carter reach the Url's sleeping
chamber with the long sword in other hand and short sword in the other,
he switched the radium light on and saw Url holding two hands coming from
the hole in the wall and dagger and blood in Url's bed, Url however seemed
unharmed, the blood came from alien hands.
Couple of days later Url Web had set free the prisoners of the town
and he and John Carter were about to leave the town. The strangers hands
in Url’s bedroom revealed to be former The Biggest’s, he had regain some
of his senses and attacked, but died of shock when his hands were mutilated.
Url rode ahead with the princess Vilma Vhenus, John Carter let the lovers,
as he thought, rode together privately. Url tried to reason with the girl
"I couldn't help it, no-one can too long! Surely you understand it! Can’t
you forgive me? I love you, my princess!". Girl call him more ugly names
and promised that he will be killed, when she told his crimes to her father.
John Carter looked the young couple, warm feelings filled his heart,
when he look the cold rejection of the girl. Carter remembered how he'd
also pissed off Dejah Thoris when they'd first met, and how hard it was
for him to finally win her heart. Carter had no doubt that Url Web would
finally win this girl's heart as well.
While looking the young couple, Carter thought how the matters of the
heart on Barsoom haven't changed a bit after all. That was so wonderful
to see, especially after just visiting the city of sadistic perverts.
Carter didn't realize that the things are not always as simple as they