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Volume 1616
A Long Time Ago From A Galaxy Far, Far Away . . . 

. . . . . Came . . .
Jeff "Elmo" Long's


Jeff Long
ERBzine is proud to present a reprint
-- retrieved from the Web archives --
Volume 1 ~ Number 2
of this much-prized collector's publication.

Jeff Long's collection of 
news items from Barsoom
first appeared on the Web in

Submissions, comments, lunatic ravings
... are still welcome.
E-mail them to Elmo



Chaos in Caspak
The Blade continues to bring you the latest news ofthe Band-lu / Sto-lu war, now raging out of control on Caspak.

Filming Interrupted
Jasoomian Elmo Lincoln stars in new movie, "Whiteskin of the White Apes"

Ban the Gridley Wave! Insidious broadcasts from Jasoom are corrupting our youth...

Carthoris, Tardos Mors and others speak out on issues of the day...

Advice from the Princess of Helium...

1999 Dum-Dum in Tarzana, California

..Last update: 12-26-98
Banned by the Jeddak of Helium


Blows exchanged at UT

UNITED TRIBES -- The Band-lu and Sto-lu ambassadors to the United Tribes came to blows yesterday during talks aimed at resolving their nations' war. Both were hospitalized with broken noses. The Sto-lu ambassador, Bork, also had a spear surgically removed from his ass.

Adalu Steven-so, the Galu UT ambassador, was flung from atop the three-story United Tribes building in the Galu capital when he tried to break up the fracas. "Let them all whack each other to bits," Steven-so said later from his hospital bed. "They're animals."

Meanwhile, Galu Secretary of State Henre Kissing-Jo was forced to resign his post when a Galu evolution subcommittee ruled that he had come up from the Kro-lu before his Time. "In fact, we're pretty sure he's still just a Band-lu," the subcommittee report concluded.

Kissing-Jo was immediately drafted by the Band-lu military and sent to the front.

Filed by Elmo

On the Sto-lu border
By Ahm ~ Blade War Correspondent

STO-LU BORDER -- Ahm go North. Ahm afraid to do, but boss-man editor demand news of front. Ahm not afraid of war. Ahm afraid of ancient taboo. Ahm Bo-lu! Bo-lu! 

But editor, ugly-one name Doug McClure, who no can act worth atis droppings, say Ahm go. So, Ahm pack lunch and go see war between Sto-lu and Band-lu. 

Before Ahm get front, stop for lunch many times. Ahm not eat lunch. Ahm be lunch for thunder lizards. Ahm smart. Ahm run. 

Ahm maybe find wife once, but she busy in pool making tadpoles, so Ahm keep go North, and think about time when Ahm just little tadpole swimming, swimming, swimming. Surprise Ahm never be lunch in those day. Best tadpole friend, Gunk, be lunch for bluegill once, then bluegill be lunch for atis, then atis be lunch for jo-oo. Is life in Caspak, cor sva jo. 

At front, Ahm much impressed by advanced technology. Sto-lu fire-power appalling. Hatchets so much finer than club of Ahm. Sharp! 

Spear of Band-lu probably spell doom of Caspak. Kill from distance, like bang-spear of Tyler. Ahm hit in backside and must sit down on soft-only grasses for two day. 

Band-lu chief To-Jo give Ahm interview when see Ahm wear "Press" hat. 

"President Clin-Tun of the Galu must not interfere with war," say To-Jo. "Band-lu strong! Kill Sto-lu, then kill Galu!"

Ahm ask To-Jo why have war with tribe cor sva jo.  "They is ugly," he say. 

Ahm go home. 

Filed by Elmo.

By Row Na ~ Blade Entertainment Writer 

After the recent sex scandal involving Tara of Helium, Jasoomian Elmo Lincoln is attempting to rebuild his reputation by starring in a big-budget movie called "Whiteskin of the White Apes." 

Rumors are running rampant that Elmo killed a banth yesterday during filming. 

"It was awesome!" said film spokesman Ga-Be. "The banth went wild, mauling several crewmen before Elmo leaped on the animal's back and stabbed him to death, saving hundreds of people." 

But one crewman painted a different picture of the incident. 

"I doubt if Elmo killed a banth," said the crewman, who asked to remain nameless. "He sure didn't kill it using that prop butter knife." 

"Yes, Elmo did kill a banth," added another assistant on the set. "But it was an old, declawed, defanged, drugged, nine-legged banth." 

Elmo himself was sporting a big grin during a meeting with entertainment reporters. 

"I'm just glad there are no animal rights activists on this planet," he said. "After I killed the banth, the crowd cheered." 

Meanwhile, an unidentified wildman is wanted for disturbing the peace on the set, which is on location in the Great Toonolian Marshes. 

At first, authorities thought it was Lincoln himself who was running around in a loincloth, screaming at the top of his lungs, and crashing into trees. 

But that speculation proved untrue, and some experts now believe a real-life jungle lord might be roaming the marshes. 

Animal expert Jayna Goodo reports observing a savage human cavorting with a tribe of wild soraks in the region. 

The age of the suspected wildman would correspond with the crash of a royal flier from Ptarth about 18 years ago. 

"My brother's wife had just laid her egg and they were on their way to Helium to visit Thuvia," said the Jeddak of Ptarth, Thuvan Dihn. "They were never heard from again. By the whiskers of my first ancestor! Could this 'jungle lord' be my little nephew, Lord Bloomstoke, raised by wild house pets?" 

Handwriting experts are examining a black book found near the wreckage of a flier. 

The task has proven difficult because the book is written in Warhoon, according to a drunken source. 

"And they don't use nouns," the source slurred.



Ban the Gridley Wave!

When the Jasoomian inventor Jason Gridely established contact with Barsoom, this newspaper was the first to declare it a great breakthrough. At first, there was valuable communication among individuals from each planet. Tan Hadron of Hastor told Earthmen a tale of his adventures. Likewise, Fred Jenkins of Franksville, Wisconsin, regaled us "Martians" with stories of his heroic feats of beer drinking and eating bratwurst.

When Gridley began broadcasting Jasoomian commercial radio to Barsoomian listeners, however, we became concerned. "Rock and Roll" corrupted our youth. Instead of strapping longswords to their hips, rebellious youngsters gyrated them obscenely. Instead of marching off to war to the glorious hymns of their various homelands, the music of Bob Dylan drove them to protest war! 

And then, the most insidious assault of all invaded Barsoom's airwaves: A thing called "television." 

Now, we endure re-runs of "The Love Boat," and "The Jeffersons." Glassy-eyed children argue with their stupified parents over who controls the remote. The sleeping silks and furs go without afternoon airing, because it would interfere with our princesses' soaps. 

John Wayne war movies are the only thing on "TV" that are worth watching. But that's not enough. 

It has to stop! BAN THE GRIDLEY WAVE! Before it's too late. 




To the Editor: 
I take exception to the recent editorial in The Blade, "Unsafe at Any Speed," which alleges that my directional compass is the greatest danger to Barsoomian motorists since green men began carrying radium rifles. 

The unfortunate mishaps which you unfairly allude to were entirely the fault of unscrupulous conspirators and were in no way reflective of the device's performance in the field. Furthermore, I resent the implication that funding for the invention came about because of my father's position. I demand a retraction. 


I must disagree with this latest proposal calling for democratic elections in Helium. The thought of televised debates, "photo-ops" and other disagreeable electioneering just smacks of heresy. What is wrong, I ask you, with a benevolent monarchy such as the one that has worked here for 10,000 generations? 
Tardos Mors 


To the editor: 
The Barsoomian Rifle Association is disturbed by the latest proposals for limiting access to handguns. There is absolutely no need to wait a full minute to purchase a radium pistol. When you need a weapon, you need it NOW! When will these bureaucratic ulsios realize that? 
Bubba Blortas 


They say discrimination no longer exists in Helium, but I'm here to tell you that it does. I recently tried to get a table at "21," but was told none were available. What a crock! 

I was about to leave when a red man and his princess were seated immediately. Needless to say, I detached myself from my rykor and created a near-riot by prancing about the dining room until I was finally given a table and big honking platter of raw ulsio, which was quite tasty, by the way. 


You'd think that being Jed of a fine city like Lesser Helium would be a great and satisfying job. It isn't. 

You don't get the glory, or the chicks, unless you're a full-blown Jeddak. And the old man is only 703-years- old, so I've still got a couple centuries to wait before he kicks off and leaves me with the title. A warm bucket of spit has more fun than a Jed. 
Mors Kajak 


Advice from the Princess of Helium 

Dear Dejah: 
My mother and father had a forbidden love. She was tortured to death because of it. He does not even know I was ever born. He's now a very powerful chieftan among my people. All the other Tharks would probably make fun of him if they ever found out. They wouldn't let him play in the Thark Games. What should I do?
A very blue green woman 

Dear Blue-Green: 
Tell your father who you are and then plant a fat, sloppy kiss on his cheek. Personally, I think that harsh exterior green men are known for is all a front for a cuddly soul. You go, girl! 

Dear Dejah:
I've been telling the woman I love that it doesn't matter if her brain has been transplanted into the hideous body of an evil jeddara. But the truth is, it does matter. Tur! She is BUTT-UGLY now. I gag every time I look at her. 
The other Jasoomian

Dear Jasoomian:
Men are scum. 

Dear Dejah: 
How did this Barsoomian taboo against marrying a woman whose fiance you have killed ever come about? I hate it. 
A Jealous Swordsman 

Dear Jealous: 
I think it's just a plot device. 

Dear Dejah: 
Do Jasoomian men, uhmm, you know. Have bigger swords? 

Dear Curious:
Yes. And they really know how to sak. 

Dear Dejah: 
Emma and I have been wondering when you and Uncle Jack will be coming for another visit. The guest bedroom is all made up. But, Aunt Dejah, please try to observe Earth customs in regards to proper attire in broad daylight this time. 

Dear Edgar: 
I was treated most rudely by your City Guard during my last stay on Jasoom. Frankly, I don't see what John Carter ever saw in that planet. Perhaps a visit to the family plantation in Virginia would be better than Chicago. 

1999 Dum-Dum

Thanks to all the L.A. SubERBs for a GREAT Dum-Dum!

Listen to the Podcasts of Elmo's Dateline Jasoom via the vast Gridley Wave Network.
Visit for directions on tuning in your Gridley Wave antennae.
The show is podcast every two weeks and features
a full 15 minutes of news, zaniness, music, and interviews with ERB-world personalities --
all beamed directly from Elmo's state-of-the-art GWN studios on Barsoom..

Jeff Long's Barsoomian Blade & Panthan Press Features in ERBzine
Blade 1 | Blade 2 | Blade 3 | Blade 4 | Blade 5 | Blade Fiction 1 | Fiction 2 | Fiction 3 | Fiction 4
Princess of Jasoom | Princess 1 | Princess 2 | Princess 3 | Princess 4 | Princess 5 |


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