First and Only Weekly Online Fanzine Devoted to the Life & Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs
Since 1996 ~ Over 15,000 Web Pages in Archive
Volume 6767




by John "Bridge" Martin

The characters crafted by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Woke up the first day of the year,
And leaped from the pages with specialty dishes
And brought them from far and from near.

They gathered as one in the great Greystoke ballroom
To party from morning 'til night,
And had a fine day of fellowship, food,
And fighting to practice their might.

For early arrivals, a 6 a.m. breakfast
With Mors Kajak's flapjacks in stacks,
And sorapus syrup to drizzle atop them
As many lips sounded with smacks.

Waldo was whipping up wonderful waffles
And Usha's mush, fried, was a hit.
Krispy Krunch cereal brought there by Korak
Was another quite popular fit.

Breakfast was followed by sword fights and boxing,
As John Carter took on each comer,
While Sailor Byrne KO'd his challengers all,
Who thought they'd been decked by a Hummer.

At noon it was time for the sumptuous lunch
With Pan Dan Chee's cheesecake a feature,
Duare Napier provided the cheese
After milking a basto-like creature.

Canapes made from the fare on Caprona
Were offered by Bowen and Lys;
Carson of Venus brought noodles from Noobol
In a recipe he said was his.

Amar marinated some tan-klu to add to
The noodles to make a fine soup;
Hoagies with AQ's Porterhouse steak
Were seasoned with jungle juice goop.

Some said "No thanks," when they started to pass out
Nemone's anemone jelly
And Fulvus Fupus's fungi was largely ignored
By those who regarded their belly.

But many were happy to have, with some crackers,
Texas Pete's red pepper chili.
Simmered just right in a Harbenite pan,
With the Black Bear's filet of filly.

Hadron was never too Hasty or careless
When boiling his Tangerine stew,
'Cause he didn't want any of Lorquas's Ptomaine
To make people's faces turn blue.

Lord Passmore's safari tables were set up
With China and sterling in place,
With Perry's perrier water for drinking
And perking each rose in a vase.

After the lunch, Gahan made an announcement:
The Jetan event would begin,
With villains and heroes on opposite sides,
The heroes determined to win.

When people play Jetan the stakes are set high
With fights to the death for each square.
But as we expected, the forces of evil
Just didn't have much of a prayer.

The suppertime bell rang to summon each one
To a smorgasbord fit for a Jed,
With D'Arnot's escargo and tacos by Tara,
Each diner was suitably fed.

Julian came with some julienne beans,
And Go-yat-thlay fileted some yak,
It was roasted on Jason's new gridiron Griddle
And taste-tested promptly by Ghak.

The sandwich bar featured some dijon from Dejah,
Along with some Tardos Mors mustard
Tars came with Tartar, Turck sliced some turkey,
And Barney showed up with some Custard.

Von Horst shared some borscht and Laja brought pawpaw,
And Dian and David supplied
The gizzards of lizards chopped up in a bowl
With a cave bear puree on the side.

Fou-tan brought fondue, Ras came with berries
And La brewed some flavored latte,
Tarzan got restless from drinking that caffeine,
And said, "C'mon Cadj, make my day."

Whatever they ate, many dishes went well,
When eaten with steamed Edgar Rice,
And Burroughing into the food with much gusto,
The New Years Day turned out quite nice.

At sundown they gathered in John Clayton's den,
To smoke and look back on the day,
With Ron Ely's Tarzan on DVD playing,
No one felt like hitting the hay.

But soon came the time when each one must return
To the pages that Burroughs did write,
So fans could enjoy the books once again,
Each sating their own appetite.

--John Martin, 2019

Superlatives for Tarzan

The Tarzan Sunday strip, "Tarzan: Back to Pellucidar," by Gray Morrow and Don Kraar,
featured a panel in which Jason Gridley refers to Tarzan as a "tree-hopping son of a gun."
That had a certain meter to it, which suggested a poem.
So it inspired me to think of what other words and sayings might be exist, or be coined,
to apply accurately to the ape man, and I came up with this

Tarzan, By Definition
By John Martin

Tarzan! Tarzan! Tarzan!
He's a tree-hopping son-of-a-gun
He's a jolly good jungle fellow
And a bear of a man bar none.

He's a vine-swinging virtuoso,
The master of mangani land
He's the ace of aboreal airways
And the boss of the Waziri band.

He's a rip-snortin' lion lancer,
A challenger of champions,
A tenacious terrace traveler,
A limb-leapin' guardian.

He answers to the call of the wild,
A legend in his own time,
He's always eager for adventure,
There's reasons behind his rhyme.

He's a king and a lord and a chieftain,
A protector of his stompin' ground,
He's untamed, triumphant and terrible,
Invincible -- a man of renown.

He's a danged good ol' defender,
Comes on like a bolt from the blue,
Quicker than greasy lightning,
And cool as a cucumber, too.

He's a rootin'-tootin' roughneck,
A nonpareil without a peer,
A paladin without a parallel,
A conqueror without a fear.

On the veldt he's always the victor
In lost lands he often is found,
In the woods he is ever the warrior,
He's Tarzan, the ape-man, unbound.

John Martin
EDGARDEMAIN: Celebrating the literary legerdemain of Edgar Rice Burroughs

.....Remembering Jock Mahoney.....
By John Martin
(Slightly updated from original appearance in Winter 1989-90 edition of ERBapa)

Gene Autry signed him to a role
'Cause he liked what he'd seen,
And as the "Rider" of "The Range,"
He blazed the TV screen.

And then, as Yancy Derringer,
He tipped his hat again;
You could safely place a bit:
This hero'd always win!

But next he donned a villain's hat,
A Coy, but not so coy,
And "Tarzan the Magnificent"
Took care of this bad boy.

How many men have ever played
The villain...then, the good guy?
Well, Jock Mahoney's one, we know,
Who turned in quite a good try.

He battled Gordon Scott (and lost)
When Gordon was the ape man,
But later donned the cloth himself,
And had us all agape, man!

In India the bad guys said,
"The elephants be dammed!"
So Jock, as Tarzan, drove that herd,
Up to the wall, and rammed.

Challenges? Jock wanted more,
And so, he got to be
A Tarzan in an Asian land,
Where "Challenges" were "Three."

Was it the climate or the water?
We may never know:
Jock got sick but, challenge met,
He finished up that show.

Later, he returned to roles
Of bad guys, plotting violence,
Toward Wolf and Ron -- including
"Tarzan's Deadly Silence."

Some never got to meet the man,
But many fans have told,
Of a Tarzalumnus, friend to fans,
Who had a heart of gold.

Sometimes villain, sometimes hero,
Tarzan movies four;
Have earned ol' Jock a solid place
In Tarzan movie lore.

But more than just his history
(Though that's a place to start),
For Jock Mahoney earned a place
In every ERB fan's heart.

ERB Amateur Press Association
The old Greek guy didn't write any rhymes,
No, he didn't, not even one time.
He preferred to write in proper prose,
While stopping now and then to scratch his nose.

He didn't want folks to think his work was "for the birds,"
So he told his tales in voluminous words.
His one regret, on which he lamented,
Was that comic books had not been invented.

Else he may have had the joy
Of drawing a horse mid scenes of Troy.
Then without debates on prose or poem or
Languages, he could hit a Homer.

Now Burroughs didn't have it so hard:
He had comics, movies and bubble gum cards.
Plenty of ways to tell his tales
Of stunning babes and macho males.

His books are sometimes found in a pad
With the "Odyssey" and the "Iliad."
And Burroughs, in writing, adventure lore,
Would often refer to Greeks of yore.

But poetry time has come and gone,
It's TV time, and "Tarzan" is on.
And after I'm done with watching it,
I'll turn on "Troy" (it stars Brad Pitt).

Odysseus was a fighting man,
A sailor and a roamer;
Tarzan was a fighting man,
And Burroughs quoted Homer.
Tarzan and the Golden Lion

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