First and Only Weekly Online Fanzine Devoted to the Life & Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs
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1. Of One Who Served
2. Mbonga in Middle Earth
3. The Tarzan Movie Surplus Store
4. New Clothes for Jane
5. Bacon, Bit by Bit
6. Taking the Cure
7. Hair She Comes, Miss Africa
1. OF ONE WHO SERVED
A Veterans Day salute to ERB,
Well past the age to go to war,
And yet he found a way to serve,
Enlisting in the "writer's corps."
Correspondents all were screened,
Their histories were all laid bare,
They wore a rankless uniform,
A symbol of their status there.
They absolved the War Department
Of all liabilities,
Should they die or suffer wounds
Because of the hostilities.
Ed was in his middle 60s
When he saw the Pearl attack,
Right away he strove to help
His USA in fighting back.
He joined the local men who formed
A group to guard Hawaii's shore,
And wrote some columns, "Laugh It Off,"
To help folks learn to smile once more.
But he really yearned to get
To the action and the stress,
And so he got accreditation
As a member of the Press.
He was the oldest correspondent
In the whole Pacific war,
And the honor of his service
Is saluted, evermore.
...And a salute to all others who have served, as well!
2. MBONGA IN MIDDLE EARTH
First Appeared as Part of the Series:
A Pilgrimage to Pellucidar :: ERBzine 5787
Many mouths were left agape,
On reading "Tarzan of the Apes."
For in that book ERB did describe
Mbonga's fierce man-eater tribe.
Mbonga one day left his vill,
And found a cavern in a hill.
He went inside a bit too far,
And walked right down to Pellucidar.
There he fought with lizard men
Who came at him again, again.
He acquired many sore ribs
And battle scars from all these Horibs.
And of the Horibs who had died,
He would sometimes have them fried.
Sometimes boiled, sometimes roasted,
Never raw but sometimes toasted.
But, tiring of incessant battle,
Mbonga dreamed of eating cattle.
So back he went to land of birth,
The outer crust he knew as earth.
He looked for happier times above,
With singing birds and turtle doves,
With sweet sweet songs of little cherubs,
But found instead the awful Terribs.
In the comics of the Dell,
Tarzan battled Terribs well.
But some of them had got away,
And saw Mbonga as their prey.
So once again he went to war
And many Terribs did he gore.
The tasty critters made good eatin'
With just a little bit o' heatin'
But after awhile he had to say,
“A little of this goes a long, long way.”
He longed to eat some luscious spare ribs
Instead of always fighting Terribs.
And so, he returned to Pellucidar
To try a bit of baked Mahar.
But there Mbonga once again,
Found only nasty lizard men.
He opened a string of butcher shops
Which specialized in Horib chops.
The Terribs came back down to see,
What had become of their enemy.
Mbonga welcomed them to his venue
And soon had added them to his menu.
Now, on this food, to have your dibs,
Ask for Horib d'oeuvres or Terra Ribs.
3. THE TARZAN MOVIE SURPLUS STORE
When they made all those old Tarzan movies back in the day, they had a ready source of props
I got myself a Hawaiian shirt and beret like directors wear,
And had my name embroidered on the back of a folding chair.
I rounded up a megaphone so I could yell out "Action!"
And bought a movie camera to film my dream attraction.
And then, to make a feature that could play forevermore,
I did some shopping at the Tarzan Movie Surplus Store.
I found it down in Tinsel Town close to the Walk of Fame,
A single doorway caught my eye; it had the Tarzan name.
I held the jiggly railing and each stair let out a creak,
A single lightbulb overheard made shadows stark and bleak.
At last I cleared the 15th step and reached the second floor,
And found my way into the Tarzan Movie Surplus Store.
O how my heartbeat flipflopped at the things they had
I saw a rack of loin cloths for the leading man to wear;
Some showed off a lot of thigh, but some went all around;
Some had scruffy fur that hung down halfway to the ground;
Some were made of leopard skin; some plain, with nothing more;
I grabbed a couple at the Tarzan Movie Surplus Store.
Several racks held neatly packaged bunches of bamboo,
With many shades of brown and different widths and lengths in view;
Some was split and some was notched to make sure it would fit,
If you followed their instructions for the Tarzan treehouse kit.
Special bamboo frames were for a window and a door,
All you needed at the Tarzan Movie Surplus Store.
I saw the bins of jungle vines along another aisle,
And then I came across a grinning rubber crocodile.
I found some large, gray flap-like things imported from Tangiers,
To give those Indian elephants some African-size ears.
Pith helmets for the actors, whose roles were to explore,
Were quite a bargain at the Tarzan Movie Surplus Store.
I knew that I must supplement the actors' histrionics,
And found just what I needed, priced to sell in electronics:
DVDs with clips of beasts left o'er from "Trader Horn,"
Panthers chasing zebras, and lion cubs (newborn).
And sound effects from jungle birds to Tantor's warning roar;
I picked up several at the Tarzan Movie Surplus Store.
I filled up several shopping carts and paid by credit
But something still seemed lacking so I checked my list real hard.
I had the native costumes, the spears and skulls and nets;
I had the guns for hunters.... And then I saw it: "Pets!"
I hurried o'er and grabbed a chimp and paid the clerk some more.
I'm set to shoot! So, "Thank you, Tarzan Movie Surplus Store."
4. New Clothes For Jane
Down in the jungle where nobody goes
There sat Tarzan without any clothes
Along came Kulonga, with arrow and bow,
Gave poor Kala a quick death blow.
Tarzan trailed him and roped his head,
Then took his knife and killed him dead.
Tarzan stripped him of all his gear
And at last had a covering for his rear.
It wasn't a very pretty skein
But made him decent to meet his Jane.
5. Bacon, Bit By Bit
Tarzan never bit the dust
But Tarzan bit some ants;
"They taste a bit like bacon,"
Said the ape-man, clad in pants.
His ally, George, asked, "Bacon?
"Don't you mean bacon bits?"
"No," said Tarzan, "Horta has
"A taste that never quits."
"You oughta try some bits," said George,
"Just shake some on your food.
"Eating horta bacon raw is
"Dangerous and crude."
"You first," said Tarzan, holding out
A palm with scampering ants.
"All right," said George, reluctantly,
"I guess I'll take a chance."
He deftly plucked a wiggling ant
And hollered, "Ant, ahoy!"
He swallowed, smiled and uttered,
"To me they taste like soy."
"Bacon!" roared the ape-man;
"Soy!" George Williams swore;
"Oh, never mind," said Tarzan,
"We're hungry! Let's eat more."
In an alternative universe, it might have happened this way...
6. TAKING THE CURE
David was a miner; he hunted for king coal,
And digging it was how he piled cash onto his roll.
But coal dust hit his nostrils, when wafted by a breeze,
And wasn't long 'til he was struck with deadly lung disease.
Dr. Abner Perry had exhausted every test
To try to find a cure for the clogging in his chest.
He finally ordered therapy within an iron lung,
And told him he might have a chance because he was so young.
"You need a change of climate," the doctor said to
"You need to go where air is clear for vigor and for vim.
"That iron lung is good for now, but I will make you whole,
"By giving you a ride in my new-fangled iron mole."
We'll run the thing into the ground because I've heard
Comes with a hollow center where we'll get our money's worth.
We'll see things that no upper cruster dweller's ever seen;
And breathe in unpolluted air to make your insides clean.
They got inside the iron mole and fastened safety belts,
David looking forward to acquiring tarag pelts,
Living as a caveman, and meeting gorgeous gals,
Hanging out with other guys who'd be his hunting pals.
He chanced to meet a pretty lass whose name was Jubalee,
Menaced by an ugly villain named Die Anthony.
He told his foe, "Die, Anthony!" and slugged him with his fist,
And Jubalee became his bride; this gal could not resist.
The clean air of the inner world met David's every
The black coal dust within his lungs no longer did impede.
"I like it in Pellucidar, and though I'm just a temp,
"I think I'll stick around and don the new clothes of the Emp."
Because it was a greenhouse, the balance in the weather
Let Jubalee and David frolic in the altogether.
And since the sun up in the sky was always fixed at noon,
Their lived for every moment of eternal honeymoon
Now if you get an illness that the docs up here can't
Just travel to Pellucidar where all the air is pure.
You'll live a long and happy life without a single snag,
Unless of course you happen to get trampled by a thag.
7. Hair She Comes, Miss Africa
Ooh la la, La,
I love to stroke your hair;
Your golden locks are oh, so soft,
Around your face, so fair.
What? Do I see dark'ning clouds
Amidst your eyes, so grey?
The grey's becoming smokey
What was it? Wha'd I say?
I see it now, my comment
'Bout your hair of gold;
It must have been the sunlight!
I must be getting old!
I think instead your hair
Is like a pretty shade of bronze.
Oh wait...oh no...it's brunette,
Kind of like "The Fonz."
Or do I see a streak
Of auburn in your mane?
A little color here and there
Could help you outclass Jane.
I think beneath those colors
Lies a secret certainty:
You're a redhead: That best fits
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