"A paper for people who have B.O."
Page 1 ~ October 22, 1931 ~ Part 1
OF JACK BURROUGHS
Leaves for home Monday!
Malibu, Oct 22 '31. It is stated on good authority
that Mrs. O. B. Burroughs will leave for Tarzana with her dog Monday, taking
her husband with her.
Mrs. Burroughs, it is alleged, intends to spend the
winter and her allowance in "The Adobe City", the world's most famous bus
When interviewed, Mrs. Burroughs said, "I am fond
of prunes, including Mr. Burroughs, who also looks worried."
HELP! FIRE! HELP!
Lovely Nell almost starts a fire.
Malibu, Oct 22 '31. Lovely Nell, the famous contralto
pudding foot, it is stated on good authority, nearly achieved a fire yesterday.
All that was lacking was the paper, kindling, and logs - he had a match.
Psychiatrists are now endeavoring to ascertain where
he go the match.
The police had a clew but some one took it away from
them. When interviewed, Police Chief Steckel pointed out that he believed
in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, "But," he added, "I hope he doesn't
come around nights, as I have a weak heart."
TRUNK MURDER MYSTERY
Gruesome find on Reseda Boulevard.
Zelzah, Oct. 22 '31. Early this morning, two trunks
were found in a man lying on Reseda Boulevard. The visceras of both trunks
had been removed.
The police had a theory, but when interviewed had
Police Chief Steckel pointed out the window, and stated
that what this country needs is a good 5 cent yacht.
WILD PARTY AT MALIBU!
Sheriff's Office Ready For Raid
Malibu, Oct 22 '31. Plans are being made to raid an
asserted wild party that it is alleged will be held in the palatial beach
home of alleged author.
When interviewed, the sheriff pointed out that it
is rumored the notorious card sharp W.B. (Bill) Corwin is expected to be
taken in the raid.
Two other gangsters, it is claimed, will be there,
and three wheel chairs are being rushed to Malibu.
FATHER OF HULBERT BURROUGHS
Caught splitting infinitives.
Malibu, Oct 22 '31. A special wire from Malibu states
that What-a-Man Burroughs, author of Sears, Roebuck's harness catalog,
the Bible, and other best sellers was seen chasing a number of little infinitives
around with an ax.
Mr. Burroughs is famed for his large collection of
commas, which he exhibits freely at all times, distributing them with great
When interviewed, Mr. Floop stated that what this
country needs is more 5 cent saddle horses.
The reporter asked Floop what he had to do with the
Burroughs debacle of infinitives, and Floop pointed out that he had nothing
to do with it, but wanted to see his name in the newspapers.
WILD PARTY ON YACHT!
Palatial Yacht of Play Boy Scene of Wild Party.
Malibu, Oct 22 '31. It is alleged that a wild party
was held on the Honey-Bunny-Boo, palatial yacht of Playboy H. Burroughs
of here and Tarzana.