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Volume 5119

Tarzan® Christmas Poems and Songs
By John "Bridge" Martin

ERB Text, ERB Images and Tarzan® are ©Edgar Rice Burroughs, Inc.- All Rights Reserved.
Silver Bells in Opar
(sung to the tune of “Silver Bells”)

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas in the lost city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be time to slay.

Opar man beasts (some are high priests)
Dressed in loin cloth and jewels,
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas
Victims whining, sun a'shining, on the altar below,
And with every knife plunge you will hear:

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas in the lost city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be time to slay.

Strings of dungeons, wells to plunge in,
Ne'er again to be seen,
As escapees run off with our treasures
Hear their bones crunch when our fists punch
It's a massacre scene,
But above all this bustle you'll hear

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas in the lost city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be time to slay!

Christmas in Opar
A Poem

'Twas Christmas in Opar and all through the halls
The beast-men were banging their heads on the walls.

Impatiently waiting for Santa to come
And leave them some candy and Fleer bubble gum.

The goblets for guzzling the blood of the kill,
Were stacked by the chimney for Santa to fill.

The big Christmas tree was decked out with things
Like bones from their victims, along with their rings.

La in her trappings had finished a feast,
Along with ol' Budj, her latest high priest.

When down in the valley she heard such a noise,
She jumped from her throne 'long with some of the boys.

They shot through the hallway and out the front gate,
To see who the fools were who'd come, tempting fate.

The sun in the heavens shone down from the sky,
Revealing a Scout troop just then passing by.

"Seize them!" cried La; they jumped at her will.
The Sun God would surely be pleased by this kill.

But the Scouts were all proving so lively and quick
They made all the beast-men appear to be sick.

The Scouts scampered to, and the Scouts scampered fro,
The beast-men had no clue which way they should go.

La yelled and shrieked but it did her no good,
And soon all the Scouts disappeared in the wood.

'You incompetent fools," La told her patrol:
"Santa will bring you all nothing but coal!"

And then in a twinkling La stood, mouth agape,
Upon hearing the sound of a massive bull ape.

"It sounds like mangani," she said, "but it's not.
'It's Tarzan the Ape-man, the one we've all fought.

"Get all your sad rear-ends back up to the halls;
"We'll ambush the fool when he enters our walls."

They hid in the closets, the niches and clefts,
Then entered the apeman with hustle and heft.

He was clad in a loin cloth of dead leopard hide,
And weapons, like tinsel, all shone from his side.

The blade of a knife he held tight in his teeth,
And his lasso was looped in the shape of a wreath.

A quiver of arrows was slung on his back,
And the bow in his hand had no instance of slack.

His eyes, how they glittered 'neath eyebrows so hairy,
His muscles were rippling; his essence was scary.

The teeth in his jaw were gritted with pow'r,
And he looked like he'd shown up for this very hour.

He was fit as a fighter, a formidable foe.
And the beast-men could tell they were in for a row.

He knew they were there, 'cause their bodies were smelly.
They feared for their lives; their knees turned to jelly.

The look in his eyes gave them cause to retreat,
And they made for the exits on cowardly feet.

He said nothing more, but turned to their treasure,
Grabbing some gold bars, and jewels for good measure.

Then blowing a kiss to the ravishing La,
He made for the door with a final "Ta Ta!"

He paused at the gate as he listened to hear,
The jingle of sleighbells on flying reindeer.

Santa was guiding his team by its halter,
Straight toward the opening high o'er the altar

As seagulls and pigeons let loose from on high,
So did the reindeer from up in the sky.

Their droppings, extruded from eight furry butts,
Shot down the sun shaft, landing with spluts.

Then Santa exclaimed as he went on his way:
"Nothing for beast-men of Opar today.

"I heard what my elves said; I checked my list twice.
"They're naughty in Opar, a far cry from nice.

"They don't even rate a coal scuttle scoop
"But I left them a good share of my reindeer poop."

Tarzan just grinned as he made his egress,
While La yelled at Budj: "You! Clean up this mess!"

I hear some of you out there are tired of listening to 
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" over and over. 
So once again I'm sharing my customized lyrics so when it comes on the car radio 
you can just sing over Elmo and Patsy in this tribute to man's best friend:

Santa Claus got bitten by my pit bull,
Coming down the chimney Christmas eve,
People say those dogs won't hurt nobody,
But Santa's got a scar you would believe.

I had fed my dog his dinner,
And let him run around the yard,
Then I went to get some shut-eye,
But I left my faithful pit bull up on guard.
When I woke up Christmas morning,
Blood was dripping from his jaws,
And the living room was littered
With red fur like that worn by Santa Claus
CHORUS: Santa Claus got bitten...etc.

There were scratch marks in the chimney,
Where he clawed to get away,
And in the snow up on the rooftop
Was a trail of blood that led to Santa's sleigh.
All the reindeer felt like fainting
And the elves were getting sick,
Should they take him to the E.R.,
Or would band-aids do the trick for old St. Nick?
CHORUS: Santa Claus got bitten...etc.

Now he's gone back to the North Pole,
Where an ice pack he enjoys! (Aaaaaaah!)
But he left in such a hurry,
He forgot to fill our socks and leave our toys!
Now, if you like playing Santa,
But you need to have your space,
Before you go down someone's chimney,
Just make sure that you are ready with your Mace.

CHORUS: Santa Claus got bitten...etc.


By John "Bridge" Martin
ERBzine 5117
Xmas with Tarzan® & Jane
ERBzine 5118
Tarzan® & Santa Claus
ERBzine 5119
Tarzan® Poems and Songs
ERBzine 5120
Tarzan's Christmas Carol


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ERBzine Annual Xmas Greetings


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