December
17
TARZAN'S CHRISTMAS CAROL 4/5
Chapter 4: The Ghost of Christmas Looter
Tarzan was getting a little annoyed with the whole ghost
thing, but he muttered aloud: "Oh well, only one more to go.
I'll wait and see what it wants."
Tarzan looked at the clock. It was 3 a.m. A heavyset
figure in a white shroud had entered his bedchamber. There was something
about that whole scenario that seemed vaguely familiar to Tarzan, maybe
something he'd read in a book. He glanced quickly at Jane but she was
still asleep. It might be hard to explain to her what a scantily clad
ghost was doing in their bedroom at that hour.
Then the ape man's keen senses realized this was not what
it seemed. "You're Terkoz," he snorted. "What are you doing wearing that
woman's nightgown?"
"Kreeg-ah!" growled Terkoz. "They made me wear this thing
and they're calling me Rosie behind my back! Grawr! I hate it! I
hate it!"
Tarzan laughed at the ghost's discomfiture, then got down
to business. "I've been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Pabst and
the Ghost of Christmas Presents, so you must be the Ghost of Christmas
Turkey."
“Actually," said the apparition. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas
Looter. You've been looting Opar for years.”
"Look," said Tarzan. "You say it was looting. I would
call it making proper use of available resources. Just because that
gold was in a vault near the place where the Oparians actually dwelled,
it doesn't mean it belonged to them. And besides, I checked, and the land
which Opar occupies is listed by the British East African government as
public domain territory, and people are free to pick up any manmade
items and carry them off. In fact, according to environmental laws, people
are actually encouraged to do so."
"But gold is a natural resource," said the ghost.
"In its original state, yes," said Tarzan. "And I am aware
of laws governing mineral rights. But this gold has been processed
by man and put into ingots. That makes it available to anyone. If
I were to find a gold wedding ring lying in the jungle, would I be entitled
to pick it up and put it in my quiver?"
"Well, I suppose so," said Terkoz.
“Then tell me," said Tarzan, "other than the value, what's
the difference?”
The ghost thought for a minute. "I guess there isn't much
difference," he said. "But don't blame the messenger."
December
18
TARZAN'S CHRISTMAS CAROL 5/5
Chapter 5: A Christmas Trek to Opar
The third ghost had disappeared, but Tarzan could
not sleep.
He was thinking about the possibility that there
were children in Opar. And then he thought about Christmas. Did Santa visit
those children? What kind of Christmas did they have?
Christmas morning, Tarzan began making his way
toward Opar, followed by 50 Waziri warriors with white-plumed head dresses,
each bearing loads of fruitcake, stockings full of carved native toys,
and candy canes. Jane had happily taken all of the candy canes off of the
Greystoke tree and given them to Tarzan to take to the children of Opar.
At last, they reached the rocky jungle habitat
where dwelt the mysterious, savage, human-sacrificing, blood-quaffing denizens
of Opar.
Tarzan stood outside the walls and shouted, in
the language of the Great Apes, "People of Opar. We mean you no harm. We
have come with Christmas gifts for your children."
There was an eerie silence, punctuated occasionally
by a loud, weird mournful cry.
At last, La the High Priestess herself emerged,
surrounded by a retinue of her lower priestesses.
“Tarzan," she said, wrinkling her brow. "What on earth
are you doing here?”
“We come bearing gifts," said Tarzan, "Christmas gifts
for the children of Opar.”
"Children?" asked La. "What children? Have you
ever seen children here in Opar, Tarzan?"
It was Tarzan's turn to wrinkle his brow. "Well
no," he said. "But I just thought...."
“Really, Tarzan..." La, with her left hand, brushed a
stray clump of hair back into its place. "Do you really think I'd want
to give birth to a little boy that looks like one of our male monstrosities?”
Tarzan laughed. "Well do I know what you think
of that, La. You've rejected every high priest that comes along. And you're
right. I never saw any kids here. But I just figured they were all in a
nursery...or something. I thought it was probably the lower priestesses
who were having all the kids."
"Tell the truth, Tarzan!" snapped La. "The truth
is, you never thought about it at all. Every time you were here you were
either managing to escape or in the process of rescuing someone. The last
thing on your mind was whether we had any kids or not."
Tarzan smiled slyly. La had probably not realized
the significance of what she had just said. But Tarzan had caught the full
implication of her words. "Well, tell you what, La," he said. "We marched
all the way here with all these gifts and we don't want them to go to waste.
So we're going to leave them here and if you have any kids running around,
you can give them to them. If you don't, well, I'm sure you can find some
other use for them," he said, glancing at a number of the beastly men who
had crept out from the ruins, behind the lower priestesses, and were eyeing
the candy canes and fruit cake hungrily.
"Set 'em down," said Tarzan to his Waziri. In an
orderly fashion, without any pushing or shoving, the Waziri formed a line
and came up to La, one by one, depositing their gifts in front of her.
"Merry Christmas, La, and Merry Christmas to all
of Opar!" shouted Tarzan. The Waziri shouted Merry Christmas in the Waziri
language, the lower priestesses smiled prettily, the beast-men of Opar
grunted, and La blew Tarzan a kiss.
"We'll be on our way now," he said.
... A few miles from Opar, Tarzan raised his hand
and the Waziri halted. "This is far enough for tonight," he said. "We'll
make camp here."
"Aren't you worried the men of Opar will try to
hunt us down," asked Muviro. "Not at all," said Tarzan. "I
didn't really think we'd see any children in Opar, so I asked Jane to spike
the fruit cake with rum. I think the men of Opar will be a little preoccupied
for a couple of days. As for us, we're not going back empty-handed."
"More gold?" smiled Muviro.
"You're darned right," said Tarzan. "Did you hear
what La said? Every time I've been here it's been to rescue someone or
save my own hide. She said nothing about me being here to loot the vaults
of Opar, so that means she doesn't know about those visits."
"And it also means," chimed in Muviro, "that she
doesn't even know there's gold in them thar hills, or she'd probably have
noticed that the pile was slowly diminishing each time she went to make
a withdrawal."
"You are so right," said Tarzan. "Now let's get
some sleep. Tomorrow we'll load up on gold and get back home."
"And the Waziri tribe will get the usual ten per
cent?" asked Muviro.
"You know," said Tarzan. "It's Christmas. So this
time you get 10.5 per cent."
Muviro beamed happily. "Tarzan," he said. "You
are truly our Santa Claus."
The End
December 19
JOHNNY SPOILS JANE'S GIFT IDEA
Jane looked away from her computer screen and toward her
husband, the ape man.
"I've been looking at some furniture, Johnny," she said.
"Christmas is coming and I'd prefer to surprise you but I think it's better
if you help me pick out your gift. Come and look at these online deals.
I think, after a hard day of dashing through the jungle, you'd enjoy kicking
back with a Lazy Boy."
“What?" said Johnny. "Me no need another lazy Boy. Already
have one lazy Boy. Never do what I say. Run around jungle with Cheeta.
Get in trouble. Johnny have to rescue.”
“No, not THAT kind of Boy," said Jane. (Maybe he'll understand
if I use a different word, she thought.) "How would you like a Chaise lounge?”
“What?" said Johnny. "Why me want chase lounge? Lounge
not run away. When Johnny want to go into our lounge, he just go there.
Not chase.”
She was frustrated, but Jane tried once more. "I'm talking
about a recliner, Johnny," she said. "You know, a chair you can lean back
in and put your feet up."
Johnny brightened. "Ah, Johnny understand now. Johnny
go get recliner."
“No, wait," said Jane, "that's not what I meant....”
But Johnny had jumped out the bay window and disappeared
into the jungle. Before long, she could hear the distant roar of a chain
saw.
A bit later, Jane heard a clatter in the living room and
came in from the kitchen to see what was going on.
"Nothing like good tree, shaped just right, for Johnny
to recline," the ape man said, plopping several neatly sawn tree limbs
in a pile on the floor. Then, he jumped into the middle of the pile and
seemed to land just right on the expertly arranged limbs. He stretched
out and smiled, a look of deep contentment on his face.
“Johnny recline now," he said. "I think me eat dinner
right here.”
December 20
ONE EVENING AT THE NORTH POLE
Santa Claus rubbed his temple with the eraser end of
his pencil and mumbled outloud, "Oh my, oh my, oh my."
"What's the matter, Santa?" asked chief elf Tommy
Tinker.
Santa looked again at the lengthy list before him.
"It's Tarzan," he revealed. "I just can't figure out whether to classify
him as naughty or nice."
“I thought Tarzan was nice," said Tommy. "I mean...hero
of the jungle, helper of the helpless, vindicator of the victims.”
"Oh, he does all that," admitted Santa. "But two
wrongs don't make a right, you know, and he does have some black
marks against him."
"Like what?" the nosy elf asked.
"Like theft," said Santa, "stealing Opar's gold
and then paying the Waziri only a pittance to haul it home for him.
Then he goes off on jungle jaunts without telling his wife where
he's going or how long he'll be gone. And he kills people. Oh, I
suppose in most cases they deserve it, but he doesn't actually follow
due process."
“Sounds bad to me," Tommy agreed. "Why don't you just
give him coal in his stocking?”
Santa tossed his pen on the desk and sighed: "That's
another problem. He doesn't own any socks."
December 21
IF TARZAN WAS SANTA
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
His toy shops would be in the trees,
His garb is not fit for that cold polar air,
And Santa does not need to freeze.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,,
He'd have to put on a fake beard,
'Cause Tarzan, when young, learned to shave with his
knife
Each time that his fuzz reappeared.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
He wouldn't employ any elves,
For Nkima and kin would keep him informed
So you'd better watch out for yourselves.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
The reindeer would not pull a sleigh,
For Tantors, like Dumbo, would fly through the air
With present-filled howdahs! Hooray!
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
They'd have to rewrite Clement's line,
To respell the "eight" as "ate" tiny reindeer,
The ones on which Tarzan might dine.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
Your library'd never be bare,
For Tarzan would bring you the latest new books
To read while you lurk in your lair.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
He never would make any bungle
He'd faithfully fill all the stockings you'd hung,
Then give out the cry of the jungle.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus,
There'd never be post-Christmas bills,
For he'd scatter them freely like dry winter leaves
And count them among all his kills.
If Tarzan the ape man was Santa Claus--
But he's not! Still, the best dividends
Are gathering, giving, "redeeming the time,"
At Christmas, with family and friends.
Chapters 1-3 are featured
at ERBzine 7078
